Friday, June 22, 2012

55 Small Ads

Back in the day,"Small Ads" was the classifieds section of White Dwarf magazine.  This was back when WD was a general gaming mag.  I don't know if they still put classifieds in the all-GW version nowadays.  The Small Ads ranged from zines and modules from garage outfits, players looking for players (include quite a few painfully obvious 'looking for a D&D girlfriend' ads), clubs announcing meeting times, people looking to buy, sell or swap game crap and help wanted ads for game companies.  A minority of the Small Ads were written in-character, including a few that were obviously campaign communiques from one character to another.

I've lightly edited the 55 most interesting in-character ads and listed them below.  Perhaps the PCs in your campaign could find some of these items posted on the wall of a tavern.  Some will need a little editing, as I left in a few place-names and an occasional mention of a ruleset.  And dates or contact info will need to be added to make some of these work.
  1. Celldorin the Great and Highly Unstable would like to announce that Phedia the Red is a fraud and not worthy to be a barbarian.
  2. Magic-User seeks halfling to experiment on, also fellow adventurers in the Irvine/Ayr area.
  3. Helva. Warning, reversal of forthcoming union with mouse = danger.
  4. Loki's daughter and a valet without hindrance; together they will prove your equal.
  5. The Kulgarian Empire wishes to open trade relations with the peoples of the galaxy.
  6. Meaty Bovril seeks fun but intelligent party in Fareham area.
  7. Ashmire the Terrible, King of Thieves is slain. The Underworld Guild is finished. Victory to Ronin Stormhammer, Barbarian Lord of Gulgaros.
  8. Felin Khuzkill can nobble the fool elf any day. Omar better watch his back as well.
  9. Zinnlead the Assassin for hire to AD&D, RQ, Traveller or any other worlds.
  10. Rogue seeks other rogues (females?) in Ipswich area.
  11. Grendel is finally and completely dead. RIP. Celebrations start next month. Bad luck Mark.
  12. Help! Old Alchemist with experience in both Traveller and D&D living in isolated hollow without transport.
  13. Frantic addict begs to be attacked by adventurers following involuntary exile.
  14. Under-Achieving Dwarf seeks opportunity for advancement
  15. The Great Weapontake of Barad-Dur - Small parties of six requested to take part.
  16. Help - Phoenix II is wandering helplessly through Av-Kodar, and experienced help gratefully received.  Only just heard of Glovers resurrection.
  17. Wanted - Female barbarian needed to help kill things in various West London dungeons!  Own cave and magic sword to talk to.  Apply Tolvar Halflip.
  18. Emigrants from Wessex seek new roles.
  19. Glastor the Bloody needs help - This noble paladin calls for any adventurers in the St. Albans area.
  20. Applicants for God Empress of the World now being accepted.  Also needed -- Generals, Mercenary Captains and Orc Warlords.
  21. Recruits Wanted - The Blue Regiments are looking for recruits anywhere in the country.
  22. Overworked druid seeks adventurers in the Nuneaton area.
  23. Serak the ex-illusionist has defected.
  24. Honesty, a female halfling thief recently transported to Orton, seeks dungeon adventurers in Ptersborough area.
  25. Help! Small mercenary company needs more recruits and someone to fight for!
  26. Recuits Wanted! Lord Capell's Regiment. Pikemen, Dragoons, Musketeers and Camp Followers are required.
  27. Crasimoff's get rich quick scheme!  Would you like to take part in the sacking of a town?  A castle?  Want to get rich quick?  Send details of your party (size, spells, position, etc.) to Morlock's Marauders.
  28. Magic-User requires other participants who would like to form a group.
  29. Azaqual, Lord of Belegost, skilled engineer/miner, has retired at last to design any complex wanted.
  30. Dragons on the Hill near New Cross Road.
  31. Wanted: Spells. Rooneo Redno has a complete set of magic-user and illusionist spells.  She now wants to get hold of all the new spells out and about.
  32. Dragon For Sale - serious offers only
  33. Experienced giant killer seeks adventurers
  34. Help!  Grom the nimble and young gnome illusionist/thief seeks adventurers
  35. Whoops!  Small group misuses Amulet of Planar Travel and loses itself on the Elemental Plane of Air.  New ideas and personnel required urgently to bring them down on earth.
  36. Elven magic-user and monk looking for fellow adventurers to help destroy evil in Kilmarnock area.
  37. Sons of Sammy Hughes - Hail Na-Stobe and Karleck - Nia Gib laughs at you in his temple whilst time accelerates. Bring your water boots. Emain Brule.
  38. Hail Mantas... The Overlord awaits you in the Citadel of Death. Load up your bolt pistol and fly to victory. Seek knowledge from the Master Valkyrie. Heed my call. Macross.
  39. Lord Cashtack (leader of men) requires dwarves to torment. Massacres and tortures a speciality.
  40. Challenge! Ogawa Yatsuburo, a great silver petal bushi of Iajima Province and son of O Yoshimura, scourge of mongol fiends, desires revenge upon the micreant inhabitants of the barbarian ronin's mansion.
  41. Help! Desperate group of plunderers seek new comrades in Berkhamstead area.  Ezrad's a maladjusted psycho, Mahni's missing an arm and an eye, great company!
  42. Challenge! - We Immortals challenge all adversaries to a tournament.  Battle against Grendel, Thor, bane of all things nasty, Obsidian Dragon Slayer and Thorongil the Necromancer.
  43. Greetings, noble lords and ladies. Newly ordained cleric seeks gallant allies to defeat vile monsters, to strive for right, and possibly, to start a group in Croydon.
  44. Mystic Crystal - Thought they sought to bind me with incantations most foul and magics whose roots rest in the black bowels of hell, they could not hope to prevail.  For I, Basalneep the Mysterious, did possess a tome of wondrous wisdom, Mystic Crystal.
  45. Royal Decree.  Duke Amorcaller of Porxan declares that it is time for a festival.
  46. Can anyone help a lonely Lord and Rune Priest exterminate the local hordes of evil?
  47. A quiet spell in life. Are there any older sorcerers out there looking for an apprentice?
  48. Announcement! Valian, watch Rodnar, it is in the near future. Be on your guard in the Seven Heavens! You too, you members of the Black Chasm!
  49. Obituary. In memorium of Randulf Scutter, beloved of the Glericion family, who dies tragically at the hands of thieves whilst in the service of Vardis Glericion, Knight of the Holy Crusade. He will be greatly missed.
  50. Announcement!  Thador (the Blue) Clearsoul would like to publicly announce that Koran Skullsmasher's mother was a half-bred orc with a limp and an embarrassing birthmark which I (due to a payoff to a dubious assassin) know that she has passed down.
  51. Thoggin Slytongue hereby declares two deaths, one regretfully and t'other long overdue. Celrond Goblinsbane, fellow adventurer, assassinated by the Scarlet Brotherhood, and that pig Aranen Silverleaf, killed by mine own gnomish hands. Rot in Hell, Arabonc.
  52. Belated Anniversary Greetings Congratulations Ranorah and Berni on your first wedding anniversary. All the gang wish you many more. Remember Wersi and the black gem?  Have you tired of the quiet life? Join us next month. Tarsha, Gollum and Tymore.
  53. Sorry!  The Rheinrhelm Travellers humbly apologize for the accidental annihilation of the City of Greyhawk in CY578 during dragon training. We console them with the knowledge that the twelve dragons involved passed all their tests.
  54. Hail Worthy Paladins, Honourable Cavaliers If though be in dire need of a goodly companion, why not scribe to Tancred the Templar?
  55. Loegre.  Caliburn King of Arms is commanded to announce Dundalin Tournament, Chivalry please attend. Sir Donaud le Dense, bring your varlets.
Pretty cool, huh?  There's scads of adventure hooks and NPC concepts in these tiny items.

Finally, here's a scan of my favorite gaming club listing, with the contact info clipped.

I may have to use the Church of Yurinn in a campaign sometime.


  1. #18 sounds like the results of ending your last campaign!

    1. Yeah, I included that one for purely selfish reasons.

  2. Awesome!

    Are these from the entire range of the general gaming era, issues 1-100 or so, or a more limited range?

    1. The classifieds only start at issue #10 or so and don't get weird until the early twenties, plus my collection peters out in the high sixties. So this material covers #22 to #69, minus a few holes in my run. There's at least one more good one in an issue I don't own, wherein one character demands of another "hand over the glaive, now!"

  3. I like how much #23 packs into so few words.

  4. Anonymous2:47 AM

    I would appear that there are several filk songs about the Church of Yurinn about the net. The one that scans the best for me is the Bottle Hymn of the Repulsive which can be found.

    Poking around there you can find other interesting bit as well.


  5. The goal of #36 - "destroy evil in Kilmarnock" - is a lofty and laudable ambition, but not a task to be undertaken lightly.

  6. Re your favourite one: 'piss' is English slang for alcohol, particularly beer, so given that they meet in a pub 'Yurinn' is likely to be a pun on that.

  7. Anonymous1:26 PM

    Crikey, I grew up in Mitcham, spending many a drunken hour in the Prince of Wales. I had no idea it was a gaming venue.