Three Weird Books

This is one of those things I had sitting around as a mostly complete draft for a long time.  Finally finished it while at O’Hare yesterday waiting for my connecting flight.

These tomes were designed with 1st edition AD&D in mind.

Experiments of the Phantasmaster

Ordothig the Phantasmaster was an illusionist of great power in the days when that subclass first broke its ties with the magic-user establishment.  The Phantasmaster is said to be the original author of the strange illusionist spell that today is called First Level Magic-User Spells.  

This tome represents Ordothig's early efforts towards the development of that spell.  It contains six sections, all written in an archaic form of the Common Tongue, with many sections struck through and later corrections added.  The first five sections detail the following first level magic-user spells: Hold Portal, Read Magic, Protection from Evil, Charm Person, and Sleep. A magic-user reading this work may transcribe these spells into their spellbook following the normal rules, except that Read Magic is not required to decipher them.

The last section describes a mnemonic technique that allows an arcane caster to use a single second level spell slot to hold any two of the previous five spells.  No other spells may be prepared in this manner, two of the same spell may not be memorized, and only one second level slot may be so employed.  This ability strains the caster physically, who must save versus poison each time it is used. Failure to do so results in d6 points of damage , which can be healed normally, and the caster being exhausted (-2 on to-hits and saves) until both spells are cast.

Secret History of the Nameless Brotherhood

Sages today consider Yertog the Whisperer to have been one of history’s greatest conspiracy theorists.  To most readers of this, his most famous work, the story of an ancient all-powerful secret society that determines the fate of the civilized world can be easily dismissed as the paranoid ravings of a madman.  However, any druid, assassin, or monk who reads this Secret History and makes an Intelligence roll will realize that what Yertog is describing is the now-forgotten predecessor order to all three classes, before they became separated by centuries of schism.  

A druid, assassin, or monk who achieves this insight may make partial use of the abilities of the other two classes.  Each time they gain a level thereafter they may select one of the charts below and roll to gain a bonus ability. Abilities marked with an asterisk can only be gained once; subsequent rerolls indicate that no new ability is gained.

Bonus Druid Abilities for Assassins or Monks

01-15 No additional ability gained

16-20 Gain +2 saves versus fire and electrical/lightning attacks*

21-25 Gain the ability to understand the secret language of the Druids.  Subsequent rolls allow for a selection of the language of a forest creature, as per the druid ability.

26-30 Gain the ability to use druidic magic items, including scrolls.*

31-35 If 4th level or higher, gain the druidic ability to identify plant type, animal type, and pure water.  If 3rd level or lower, treat this result as no additional ability gained.*

36-40 If 4th level or higher, gain the druidic ability to pass without trace through overgrown areas, moving at up to full speed.  If 3rd level or lower, treat this result as no additional ability gained.*

41-45 If 8th level or higher, gain the druidic immunity to charm effects of fairy/sylvan creatures such as dryads, nicies, and sylphs.  If 7th level or lower, treat this result as no additional ability gained.*

46-50 If 8th level or higher, gain the druidic ability to change form into a normal reptile, bird, or mammal up to three times per day.  If 7th level or lower, treat this result as no additional ability gained.*

51-00 Gain the ability to cast spells as a 1st level Druid.  Subsequent rolls of this item advance caster ability by one level.

Bonus Assassin Abilities for Druids or Monks

01-15 No additional ability gained

16-20 Gain proficiency with any one weapon of your choice.

21-30 Gain the assassin ability to safely use and research poisons.*

31-35 Gain the ability to use Thieves Cant.* [If you actually use alignment languages in your campaign, ignore the asterisk and treat this entry as “Gain the ability to use an Thieves Cant or an alignment language of your choice.]

36-40 Gain the assassin ability of disguise.*

41-45 Gain the assassin ability to spy.*

46-90 Gain the ability to use the Assassination chart at one level lower than the character’s current level.  This ability does not advance unless rolled again on this chart.

91-00 Gain the ability to backstab as a thief of one level lower than the character’s level.  Unlike the assassination chart ability above, this ability improves as you level up normally.*

Bonus Monk Abilities for Druids or Assassins

01-15 No additional ability gained

16-25 Gain a damage bonus equal to one half your current level (round down) when using any weapon that is on the monk list, providing you are proficient with it.  This ability does not advance unless rolled again on this chart.

26-45 Gain the open hand damage of a monk of one level lower than your current level.  This ability does not advance unless rolled again on this chart.

46-50 Gain the movement rate of a 1st level monk.  Subsequent rolls advance this ability by one effective level.

51-70 Gain the lettered special ability (special ability A, B, C, etc.)  of a monk one level lower than the character’s current level. If there is no listed ability for that level, treat this result as no additional ability gained.

71-75 Gain the unarmored AC of a monk one level below your current level.  This ability will automatically improve as the character advances levels.*

76-80 Gain the monk ability to dodge/knock aside normal missiles (arrows, bolts, slingstones, thrown weapons, etc.) with a successful save versus petrification.*

81-85 Gain the ability to take no damage from any effect that normally does partial damage on a successful save when the saving roll is made.*

86-95 Gain the ability to be surprised as a monk of one level lower than the current character level.  This ability does not advance unless rolled again on this chart.

96-00 If 5th level or higher, gain the ability to fall up to 20’ and take no damage, provided the character is within 1’ of a wall or other structure for the duration of the fall.*

The Golden Theurgy of Myrdoff the Thrice Blessed

Myrdoff was one of many magic-users who sought a return to the possibly apocryphal era of the original Archmages, before magic was split into divine and arcane realms.  His results were better than most in this regard. Using the secrets contained in this book, any arcane caster who possesses an intelligence score of 15 or higher and a wisdom of 17 or more may learn the ability to treat the spell list of one divine class of their choice as spells allowed by their own class.  

For example, an illusionist who meets the qualifications and studies this book successfully could opt to treat druid spells as legal illusionist spells for purposes of research, use of scrolls, and may opt to add a random druid spell to their spellbook when advancing a level, in lieu of the new illusionist to which they would normally be entitled.  These spells remain unintelligible to others of their class who do not practice the same variety of theurgy.

Less gifted spellcasters (those with less than the required scores) may still make partial use of Myrdoff’s writings.  They may use (but not transcribe into their spellbooks) scrolls created for members of one divine class of their choice, but there will always be a 1 in 6 chance of mishap when they do so.

The Value of a Penny

What can a single copper piece buy in your game?

Adventure Gaming was the generalist game nerd magazine that Tim Kask started after he left editing The Dragon and working for TSR.  It only lasted 13 issues, but the issues that got made are pretty sweet.  Issue 4 (October 1981) contains Diplomacy variants by the ever-awesome Lewis Pulsipher.  A generic fantasy adventure called "Pyramid of Light" by Kathleen Pettigrew notes "This adventure was originally designed for and run as an AD&D tournament scenario at GenCon XIV.  TSR Hobbies has in informed us, however, that to publish it in its original form would violate their copyright."  Bastards.  There's also part 1 of a two-part piece on playing out the First Romulan War in Star Fleet Battles.

Lots of other good stuff in this issue, too.  But my favorite article is "How Much is That Bearskin in the Window? Rational Economics in FRP" by Glenn Rahman of Divine Right fame.  The bulk of the article consists of a two and a half page price list for ordinary objects and services in the Roman empire.  Clothes, grain, transportation, footwear, and real estate all have multiple entries, for instance.  Most prices are listed in denarii, the silver piece of the Roman world.  Campaign economics aren't really my bag.  And I don't know if Rahman's basic premise that Roman prices were stable enough over the the history of the Empire to serve as the basis for rational economic thinking in D&D is true or not.  But I do like having supplementary price lists handy.

Rahman notes that the Romans also used a smaller value coin than the denarius, called the sestertius, valued at one quarter of a denarius.  As I was looking over Rahman's list, I started to wonder what a sestertius could buy me.  Here's what I found.  A single sestertius can buy one item from the following list:

• 1 large snail, suitable for eating
• 2 small apples
• 1 garden-grown asparagus stalk
• 2 wild asparagus stalks
• 1 small cucumber
• 1 reed pen of second quality

Those aren't exactly earth-shattering choices for how to spend one's money, but a nearly broke person with just one sestertius to their name can at least get something to stave off starvation for one more day.  Keeping the reaper at bay is the first and most important use of money, after all.  Ol' Robert Anton Wilson used to call paper money "bio-survival tickets."

Rahman's article and the sestertius got me thinking about what the smallest value coin, the copper piece, might be good for in D&D.

Paizo will gladly sell you a
dozen fake CP for 12 bucks.

My precious BX D&D, like OD&D before it, lists all costs in gold pieces, so none of the coins smaller than a gp are very useful.  Of course, the BX and OD&D price lists focus strictly on adventuring equipment.  And with BX aiming for a younger demographic, I can see not wanting to muddy equipment purchasing with different denominations of money.  However, if you visit the tavern at the Keep on the Borderlands, the menu there includes items for less than 1gp each.  A single copper can only buy you one thing, a slice of bread.  Still, that's better than nothing.

The first edition AD&D Players Handbook has prices in gold, silver, and copper pieces, but a single cp can only buy you a few things.  You can get a tallow candle (wax costs a whole silver piece-fancy!), a single iron spike, or a single torch.  A 10' pole costs 3cp, so I guess you could get a  3 and a third foot rod for 1cp.  That's all useful stuff, I guess.

2nd edition AD&D has several items available for one copper piece:

• a meal of "egg or fresh vegetables"
• a day's worth of firewood
• a candle (type unspecified)
• chalk
• a torch
• a live pigeon (non-homing)
• hiring someone to do one load of laundry
• a sling bullet

Page 12 of Judges Guild's Ready Ref Sheets (still one of my favorite supplements for the game) indicates that a copper piece is the appropriate pay for 5 hours of labor.  I find that to be a handy guideline.  Incidentally, this means that, under City State coin values, a gold piece can buy 250 hours of labor.

Dragon #117 has a great two-page article by Robert A Nelson called "Dungeoneer's Shopping Guide" that does a good job expanding the AD&D price lists to include more everyday items.  I highly recommend it.  I was hoping to find more ways to spend my single copper penny in it, but no dice.  Still, I recommend DMs get a copy of this article and slip it into their campaign materials.

First edition Oriental Adventures has a copper coin called the fen, which is a real unit of Chinese currency.  It is roughly equal to the occidental copper piece in value.  A single fen coin can buy you the following things:

• a jo stick
• a straw hat
• a loincloth
• a torch
• a blank paper prayer strip
• the services of a lantern bearer (per day?)
• the services of funerary mourners (per day?)

Though I'm not sure what mourners (plural) are going to do with a single fen between them.  Maybe they can buy a fraction of a standard measure of rice.  Still, it doesn't sound like a lucrative career.

The Hackmaster 4th edition Player's Handbook has a quite robust goods and services chapter.  One cp in Garweeze Wurld will get you any of the same stuff you can get in 2nd edition AD&D (not surprising), but you can also purchase a pint of watered down wine for your wineskin or a "shoddy" garment to hide your nakedness.

The DCC RPG has 3 one-cp items: candle, piece of chalk, torch.

Middle-Earth Role Playing isn't really on the same coin standard as D&D.  Starting characters get 2 gold pieces and that's fairly sufficient to buy some starting gear.  The smallest coin in MERP is the tin piece, which will buy you a pint of cider at the Prancing Pony and not much else.

James Raggi's Lamentations of the Flame Princess is the only modern D&D variant I try to keep up on

nowadays (though there are lots and lots of other good ones out there).  Below are all your options with a single copper piece in Raggi's messed up world.  LotFP actual gives two prices for each item, one for shopping in the city and one for rural settings.

• a belt pouch (rural)
• a drink, cheap (either city or rural)
• a meal, horrid (rural)
• a night's stay in a barn (rural)
• a candle (either)
• a piece of chalk (either)
• a bulb of garlic (rural)
• a wooden holy symbol (rural)
• a vial of ink (city)
• an unknown quantity of lard (presumably enough to cause trouble)
• some nails (city)
• soap (either)
• a wooden spike (either)
• a torch (either)
• a sprig of wolvesbane (rural)

That's a great list.  It helps that, like MERP, Lamentations isn't on the gold standard.  Most transactions are by the silver piece and 1sp of loot equals 1 experience point.  A single gold piece is actually a pretty decent treasure in LotFP, worth 50 bucks.

Anyway, what's the point of this analysis?  Whatever your campaign's money system, you should give a little thought as to the function of the lowest-valued coin.  What can a down-on-their-luck murderhobo get for a single such coin?  If the answer is "nothing" then maybe you want to think about why that coin even exists.  From a DM's point of view, I feel like copper pieces mainly exist to give logistical hassles when found in great quantities.  But those coins should have a function in the campaign.  Perhaps before the collapse of whatever Roman empire predates your campaign's current dark ages a copper piece had real buying power, but runaway inflation has depressed it to near worthlessness.  No contemporary political point is being made here, honest.

I'm going to conclude with half an idea, which is a terrible way to end a post, but here we go anyway.  What if prices were wide enough in variety that you could have a viable copper piece price list, a silver piece price list, a gold piece price list, etc.  Then for each new campaign start you could decide how toney you want starting PCs to kit out.  A copper campaign would begin with clubs and wooden shields.  A silver campaign would have more metallic weapons, but be less cool than the standard gold lists.  And the platinum list would have all sorts of fancy boy equipment on it.  Because why play a pseudo-medieval setting if you can't have some class conflict?

Random Advancement Preface

[This was written to be added to the Random Advancement compilation, which continues to grow.]

Preface: Why?

A few people have questioned the need for an alternative advancement scheme for use with any fantasy roleplaying system (you know, where “any” is meant to stand for “that one game and all its closest imitators”). Although I cannot speak for my many august collaborators, I think it would be useful to outline my personal reasons for embracing random advancement in my own campaign. I will try to be brief.

The earliest versions of the dear old game featured what I might call Lockstep Advancement. Apart from the die throw for hit points, nothing distinguished one fighting man of fifth level from another, in terms of class abilities. Obviously different ability scores, equipment, magic items, character disposition, and player skill could easily set one Swashbuckler apart from the next, but all their abilities as a fighter 5 could be expressed with a hit total and a level title. Clerics, thieves, and many other classes acted in much the same way; each level of advancement brought the exact same benefits vis-a-vis their class designation.

This was, in fact, a very useful state of affairs for the prospective referee. NPCs could be expressed quite succinctly. The one exception to this scheme early on was the magic-user, whose spellbook determined their class abilities. Other class ability customization started to creep in via things like druid bonus languages and weapon proficiencies. Inspired by skill-based alternatives to the original game (RuneQuest, Rolemaster, etc.), non-weapon proficiencies appeared in late first edition AD&D and skills showed up in BECMI.

Later versions of the game pushed more towards what I call Total Customizability, following in the wake of points-based affairs like GURPS and the HERO System. The rise of Feats and Prestige Classes sent a million players scurrying to make the perfect “build” for their D&D character. This is a great thing if you have a specific vision of what you want your PC to be when they grow up, or if you’re the kind of player who likes to find the most potent combo allowed by the rules.

Random Advancement is proposed here as a third alternative. Not as a substitute for either of its predecessors, but as an alternative for certain kinds of campaigns, certain kinds of referees, and certain kinds of players. Note that the concept of random advancement is not new. Traveller character generation had it from the beginning. And see Jonathan Becker’s nifty Exceptional Traits rules in The Complete B/X Adventurer for another implementation of it in D&D.

Why try random advancement? I can think of a few reasons why I like it:

• Rolling dice when you level up is fun.
• Players can access all sorts of kewl powerz without having to do a bunch of planning.
• Since said powerz show up by random die roll, you can sprinkle the chart with some doozies (or some sick power combos) without them coming up every dang game.
• As a player, not knowing how your PC is going to grow and change appeals to me.
• As a DM, not knowing what the PCs are even capable of keeps me on my toes.

So if discovering the capabilities of the PCs sounds just as interesting to you as discovering the what lurks in the dungeon, then maybe this alternative is for you.

I had to share this.

Yesterday, Peter C.'s PC Ongar the Elementarian died in the banquet hall located on second level of the Citrine Vault as a result of some serious shenanigans.  In revenge, he gave the joint a bad yelp review:  

Let slip the dinos of war.

So here's a fun little chart.

Members of the Mercenaries Guild are more professional than common merc rabbles, and add +2 to the roll.

This delightful chart is from City State Warfare, a boxed hex-and-chit wargame that's part of the original Wilderlands materials.  I've not played it, but a quick read-through of the rules suggests to me that it plays out mostly like an old Avalon Hill game.  Unlike most fantasy wargaming rules, spellcasting is totally abstracted as additional combat factors.  No fireballs lighting up armies, except as part of the math used to calculate attack ratios.  Do the math, roll one die, look at the Combat Results Table (CRT).  Wash, rinse, repeat.  The chart here is cruder than a typical Avalon Hill CRT; you won't find retreat, attacker casualty, or exchange results, only casualties to the defender.  But the principle is the same.

There are several other nice bits though, like the mercenary troubles above.

The triceratops with battle howdah on the cover is the mightiest unit in the game.  Seriously, these guys will wreck your shit.  A high level warrior equivalent to a fighter 8 can sustain 3 hits before going down and has an attack factor of 8.  A triceratops counter can take 5 hits and attacks at rank 30.  Wilderlands referees: if you don't have battle triceratops in your campaign then you've been doing it wrong all these years.  

I also quite like the recruitment charts, which are similar to those in Ready Ref Sheets, but there is a small percentage chance (one sixth of one percent or .00166666) that demons will answer your call to arms.  Then there's the 3d6 random chart for missile troops where a 3 gives you boomerang throwers and an 18 givens you dudes with repeating crossbows.  Centaur-mounted troops is also a random option on the chart for determining what your cavalry rides.  Add in the lovely Reason for Enlisting chart and you could end up accidentally recruiting a band of boomerang-throwing demons who ride centaurs into battle and the reason they signed up for your war is that they were all drunk.  How cool is that?  (I'm not saying that's a likely result, merely mathematically possible.)

 Although the abstracted combat system does take the spice out of wizards and whatnot, it also allows for this lovely chart to account for a number of additional factors.

There's also rules for night fighting that account for the phase of the moon, rules for press gangs (including the delightfully named Goon Squad Antics table), and a chart for determining the fate of eliminated units (i.e. a killed chit doesn't mean everyone in the unit is dead).  Sadly, the Leader Recovery Chart does not include a 1 in 36 chance that a demon stole their soul and now you have to mount an expedition to Hell to get it back.  That's my favorite thing about the similar table in Ral Partha's Chaos Wars rules.  But the Leader Recovery Chart here does the possibility of losing an eye or limb as well as a chance that they were captured and can be ransomed for 2d6 times their monthly salary.  Then there's a nice page of charts for when your PCs are not yet army commanders but of high enough level they can be sent out on special missions of various sorts.

The scenarios section includes more historical battles than fantasy ones.  This product came out in 1982, just as D&D was busting out big as a media franchise.  It was still possible in this period to imagine that someone who needed rules for triceratops versus wizard battles might also want to play out Charley Martel stomping on the Arabs at Tours or Bill the Bastard conquering England.

But let's take a peak at the fantasy scenarios.  I'm going to transcribe the intro to the Battle of Pipeweed Farm in its entirety:

Pipeweed Farm

The engagement took place in the Decatur Fantasy Campaign World between the forces of the Chang of the Ryne and Warlord Marchan of the Northern Empire.  This day-long battle witnessed the capture of the Chang and the destruction of over one half of his army.  These events led to the siege and capture of the capital, Jasmire.

The relationship between the Decatur Fantasy Campaign World and Bob Bledsaw's Wilderlands material is obscure to me.  I'm no Wilderlands expert by any means.  Can one travel from the City State to the Changdom of the Ryne?  Is the relationship like that of the Lake Geneva campaign setting and the later World of Greyhawk?  I just don't know.

Here are the forces involved, if you want to recreate this battle with another ruleset.

Forces of the Northern Empire

The Immortals
10x Cataphracts (heavy cav w/bows)
10x Horse Bow (light cav w/bows)
1x High Level Warrior (the Warlord Marchan, presumably) (mounted, plate)

Group Tor
8x Triceratops
8x War Elephants
1 x High Level Warrior

Main Body
20x Heavy Foot
10x Armoured Foot
10x Crossbowmen
10x Longbowmen
10x Light Cavalry
10x Medium Cavalry
10x Heavy Cavalry
8x Heavy Crossbow
2x Onagers
4x Ballista
2x Medium Level Warriors (equivalent to ~F4) (mounted, plate)
2x High Level Wizard (~MU8) (mounted)

Forces of the Chang of the Ryne

The Black Flowers
16x Ogres
16x Trolls
4x Hill Giants
1x High Level Priest (~C8) (mounted, plate) (The Chang?)

Goblin Horde
20x Goblin Foot
20x Goblin Bow
20x Goblin Wolf Riders (with bows)
1x High Level Warrior

Main Body
20x Light Foot
10x Heavy Foot
6x Armored Foot
20x Shortbow
10x Crossbowmen
10x Horse Bow
10x Heavy Cavalry
2x Low Level Warrior (~F2) (chain, on foot)
1x Medium Level Warrior
1x High Level Warrior (or is this the Chang?)

According to earlier in the rules, one counter represents 20 soldiers, 10 cavalry, 10 ogres, 10 trolls, 2 elephants, 2 triceratops, 1 leader, 1 giant, or 1 warmachine.  That means there are 160 trolls and 160 ogres in this battle!  Yikes!

Somewhere there's got to be a Games
Workshop elf that looks like this guy.

The other fantasy battles are more recognizable to a Wilderlands fan.  If you're going to play a fighter in a Wilderlands campaign, maybe you could put in your background that you fought in one or more of these three battles.

The Battle of Jarmoco features the Vasthost of the Invincible Overlord repelling an invading horde of goblins.  The goblins have a surprising number of hero figures (2 low level warriors, 2 medium level warriors, 1 high level warrior, 2 high level wizards).  The text does not specify the race of these figures, so I assume they are meant to be above average gobbos.  The Battle of Bellystone Ford is a rematch, as the Goblin King attempts to gain revenge for his defeat at Jarmoco.  The Battle of Ukrak Morfut pits the Invincible Overlord against his liege/rival, the World Emperor.  Is there a place called Tenoch on one of the Wilderlands campaign maps?  The intro mentions they met near this location.  The order of battle also notes that the World Emperor's longbowmen get a one pip bonus when shooting.  Since attacks are on a d6 combat matrix, those guys must be legendarily good.  Also worth mentioning, the Overlord's armies include 10 goblin foot and 10 goblin warg riders.  Maybe the defeated Goblin King owes the Overlord a feudal obligation now?  The intro states that "historically" that the Overlord lost this battle and was forced to pay tribute to the World Emperor that year.

Finally, I should note that none of the three Wilderlands battles actually feature triceratops troops, so those may be a holdover from the earlier Decatur Fantasy Campaign World mentioned above.  I was just kidding about you doing it wrong anyway.  But still, don't you think the Wilderlands could use some battle triceratops stomping about the place?

TSR would get into the battle dino business 3 years later.

The Dumbest Sword Ever

So yesterday's expedition included the party raiding the tomb of the Elf Prince, the son of the current campaign villain.  They avoided the poison gas trap and laid their grubby little hands on some sweet loot, including the dumbest magic sword I've ever seen.

Sword of the Elf Prince, longsword +1, +5 vs. Druids, Monks, Psychics, Healers, Samurai, Idiots, and Jesters

I gave this sword the name and put it in my dungeon, but the idea of a sword that's +5 versus all these different weirdos belongs to a cat named Charles Preston Goforth, Jr.   His article "Wizard Research Rules" appeared in issue #5 of The Dragon, but I encountered it in Best of The Dragon, still one of my favorite D&D books.  I was a dumb kid when I first got this book back in '81 or '82 and it took me decades to figure out some of the stuff in it, because the articles it collected were written for adults playing OD&D.  So as a Moldvay Basic twerp I lacked the context to understand much of the discourse happening in the text.

But the over-the-top magic weapon chart in Goforth's article was one of things I could definitely relate to.  Most of the items on the chart made sense to me: vorpal, flame tongue, disruption, +3 vs trolls, etc.  The entry +1, +5 vs. Druids, Monks, Psychics, Healers, Samurai, Idiots, and Jesters sticks out like a sore thumb.  Back then I didn't understand what this hodgepodge of possible foes could possibly have in common.  Why the heck would one even want a sword +5 versus Idiots?!?  It took me a good long time to come to the realization that what this item represents is a commentary from Goforth on the proliferation of new character classes.  And this was all the way back in 1977.  Think about that for a moment.  Those old schoolers who complain about dragonborn and warlocks?  They come from a long tradition of such nonsense.

So if you're a FLAILSNAILS DM and Blair Fitzpatrick's character Colonel Kaffshyth wrecks your favorite Druid or Samurai, you can blame Charles Preston Goforth, Jr. just a little for creating the sword and me a lot for putting the dumb thing in a dungeon.

(Still haven't seen the rules for the Idiot class, though.)

Vaults of Vyzor, session 30

(report by Sam Mameli)

Yareh's Journal 12/15/17

It's been a long few months. After Emma turned my stone to flesh I immediately had Barnabus soak that flesh with beer from the inside out. Being stone left me a lot of time to think about the nature of chaos and how most things I do aren't even my fault.
Knowing that I decided to immediately resume my careers as an adventurer and took up with a Gnomish Death Squad with a big honkin' mushroom demon at their back. I have no great love for Gnomes (The large donation I made to the building of their village was made after snorting a great deal of crystalized witch hazel, a powerful drug that's known to produce feelings of generosity coupled with a powerful high that ends with a melancholic orgasm) but I do have a sincere love for revenge and those that seek it so I was happy for an opportunity to kill.
We made our way through mostly familiar territory, killing the orcs we found in the training room. We captured a few and had them like dogs on ropes as we descended into Verdant 2. We used them and their spotty knowledge of the level to make our way past a door we think led to spiders and thankfully avoided another that they said held a swarm of something small and goblin-like.
In order to keep their loyalty I told them that they were both interviewing to be my new intern and the orc that offended me the least would get the honor of being my squire. They led us to the lair of an ogre named Klog or Krog or Derek or something and we entered his chamber. He was in the middle of building a rather macabre scaled down castle out of bones.
I snuck up behind him and struck with my scimitar, but my footing was off and I only managed to lance a large pustule on his rancorous ass. He sighed with relief and spun around so I though on my feet and said "Hi! We're here to help, do you need some more bones?" He did need more bones thank fuck and I offered him whichever of the two orcs looked more structurally sound. He selected and put the orc in a pot to boil off the skin and hair and other bits I imagine and while he was turned around I stabbed him in the spleen.
Thinking quickly one of the other gnomes ( I cant keep the names straight maybe it was Pitwidge or Durmthug or whatever) shoved the other orc behind them and we all pretended like he was the stabber. The ogre relieved him of his ugly melon of a head with a chunk of firewood and then I gave the secret signal to indicate that my bad comedy routine was all out of juice and Putmunch the gnome put him to sleep with a spell and we murdered him the rest of the way.
We pulled the orc out of the pot and informed him that he had won the contest and he had never been in any real danger. He told us his name was Uhuhuh. On the virtue of his choice bone structure and current status of "alive" I chose him to squire for me as the first member of the Knights of the Harpy. (I'm thinking of starting a mercenary company)
Uhuhuh led us to where the Gnomes were being kept and we killed some more orcs. I injured my ankle doing something heroic probably and we freed the gnomes. One of the clever little gnomey buggers enchanted the hallway to look like it was on fire and we high tailed it out of there. The mushroom demon set a few fire on our way out and for once we got out the dungeon without much of a scratch.
We decided after we got out to strap one on at the Thoul and I got fucked up on that good brown stuff with Uhuhuh and he and I went out into the woods and swam naked in the river of dreams. I'm not entirely sure of what happened next, (though I'm suspicious of the way that Uhuhuh keeps looking at me and blushing) but I woke up with some strange runes marking my orcish arm and the great will of Orcagorgon ping ponging around in the ruins of my hungover mind. I am overpowered by the need to do their chaotic bidding.
It turns out that Uhuhuh is a decent artist and he did some fan-art of me. I find this to be EXTREMELY worrying.