Or get them all together

Here's a single Gdoc file with all the random advancement charts that Zak and I have done, with a bookmarked table of contents so you don't have to hunt for the one you are looking for.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1sJo4ev56Hc91sdMBq48Vewu3gYtLBZzis2wZ3yjmF2k/edit?usp=sharing

UPDATE: The doc now includes Reynaldo's Paladin and Anti-Paladin charts!  Sweet!

Vaults of Vyzor, session #8

ROSTER

• Sigismund von Flegelschnecke, gnome fighter/illusionist (Alexei McDonald)

  

  Moar Lût

• Gary Oldman Badger, badger (NPC pet)
• Yohey the Carpenter, LotFP specialist (Anthony Fournier)
• Harold the Adequate, fighter (Adam Thornton)
• Moar Lût, chalicothere pack ape (NPC)
• Rose Royce, halfling (Kiel Chenier)

I was really stoked about this session as Anthony Fournier and Alexei McDonald had been cool guys to play with in previous sessions and I knew Kiel Chenier (vote for Blood in the Chocolate for Best Adventure) was a cool cat.  And Adam Thornton's Harold the Adequate is a survivor of my two previous online game outings.  I knew I had a stellar bunch and, sure enough, we had a good ol' time.  I am super pleased that Adam was able to bring both Harold and his prehistoric pack ape to the Vaults of Vyzor.

Furthermore, Kiel's PC Rose is the first PC in my campaign to be run under the brand new random halfling advancement rules, just posted yesterday.  Rose got result 59-61:

You may befriend any one monster of animal level intelligence.  It must be solitary when encountered and you must have some tasty treat to offer it.  No dice rolls are necessary, you simply make a new friend who will follow you and be loyal as long as you treat it well.    You may only use this ability once.  Reroll if you get this result again.

This turned out pretty darn great for the party when they opted to explore the vaults below the Verdant Scriptorium.  They explored the northern door in the chamber of the Bargain Wolves, which was surprisingly wolf free this session.  This northern door has been omitted from at least one map of the Verdant Vaults, leading me to suspect that I failed to mention its existence at least one time.  Beyond this door they found a series of small chambers.  One of which is an elevator room that seems to lead as far down as the sixth level, though the party was unwilling to actually exit the elevator and see what was beyond.

Rose Royce

They also found a giant porcupine trapped in a small room by forces unknown (spoiler: it was those dang orcs).  The sound must have cut out a bit as I described the critter, because Kiel had thought that he had befriend a normal porcupine.  It was only much later that he discovered it has 6 hit dice, more hit points than any other party member, and will fuck your shit up.  Seriously, if you've got a first edition Monster Manual, check out how wicked this thing's attacks are.  Warning to FLAILSNAILers: Do not mess with Rose Royce if her pet Pokey is in the room.

They also found in the porcupine room this little stone frog vessel holding a few hundred silver pieces.  Rose declared it the most adorable treasure chest she had ever seen and made sure to haul it out with her when the party exited the dungeon.

The party did a pretty darn good job exploring and mapping out some more of the first level of the Verdant Vaults.  The wandering monsters were just not showing up, much to my disappointment.  This meant that they had free reign of the Great Hallway and adjacent regions, though they steered well clear of the area suspected to be the abode of the giant killer bees.  In one spot they listened through a door and heard a couple-three orcs arguing and searching for something, but what it is that they seek remains unknown.

They also discovered the upper entrance to a pair of dungeon granaries.  One was empty, revealing the access doors at least one level down.  The other had a bunch of grain in it, as well as a dangerous amount of grain dust in the air.  The original key called for an automatic dust explosion in the presence of an open flame, such as the two torches the party were using.  But I decided there should be a small chance the dust doesn't ignite immediately.  That die roll plus the party quickly recognizing the hazard saved their skins.

But we would have had such fun!

But the most interesting discovery by the party was a corridor connecting the first level of the Verdant Vault with part of the dungeon under the previously-inaccessible dungeons below the Azure Tower!  Here they slew a minotaur in bondage gear, who was apparently working as the jailer for a couple of Type V demonesses shackled to a wall with cold iron chains.  After some debate, and a stern talking-to by party old man Harold, they opted not to free the mariliths.  When asked why they were chained to the wall, one replied "because the King of the Elves is a douchebag!"

(Thanks to Skerples at Coins and Scrolls, one of the PCs carried out the biggest hunk of minotaur meat they could manage.  That blog rules.)

The party didn't make it very far into the Azure Vault--the inhuman screams of agony sorta dampened the mood--but thanks to finding the back way in as well as the elevator down, the Vaults are now officially unlocked for higher level characters.  FLAILSNAILS penalties will no longer be applied to PCs above 6th level.

The party safely returned to the surface with all members plus one giant porcupine.  A couple PCs caroused, with Rose borrowing money from Harold the Adequate to do so.  Harold didn't carouse.  In my first online campaign he failed carouse rolls, leading to his marriage to the local alewife, her cuckolding him, and Harold burning down a church or a village or something.  I'm more than half convinced that Harold the Adequate used to adventure for fame and riches, but now he keeps going back because he has a death wish.  Anyway, Rose failed her carouse check and ended up with a bad tattoo for her troubles,  All agreed it had to be a type V demoness with the motto "The King of Elves is a Douche."

Vaults of Vyzor, session 7

Roster

Colonel Kaffshyth (Blair Fitzpatrick)
Doug the Dwarf (Courtney Campbell)
Sigismund von Flegelschnecke, gnome fighter/illusionist (Alexei McDonald)
Gary Oldman Badger, badger (Sigismund's pet)
Brutal Pete, dwarf (Aleksandr Revzin)
Yohey the Carpenter, Lamentations-style Specialist (Anthony Fournier)

COLONEL KAFFSHYTH'S ADVENTURE IN KREVBORNA AND THE VAULTS OF VYZOR (as written by the Colonel himself)
So the Warlock-Axer has been taking a bit of a vacation in this spooky land called Kreveborna where I got involved in some scheme to rescue slaves from a pirate, hired by another pirate of all people. Well, as far as the Colonel is concerned, the scum of the sea are only good for two things, axing, and hanging, but these pirates seemed to run this town, and if they're shaking a coin purse at me to perform some good deed I might as well make the best of it.

After I shook down this lazy clerk at the docks for some prime intelligence, we set off for the slavin' pirate's hideout. Unfortunately, the bumblers I was teamed up with managed to get the bottom of our boat torn out and we were trapped on this dismal island.

We found the pirates' lair, and we manged to trick this lazy straggler into falling into our clutches. After the ole' Warlock-Axer-General shook Wizard-Killer in his face and put the fear of law and order in his shriveled black pirate heart the coward caved in faster than those hobbit holes I had bombarded back when I campaigning in some back-country called the Shire.

I came up with a brilliant con, a tale of casks of liquor, free for the taking, that this turn coat captive of mine used so we could ambush and cut down his former compatriots, saving one for the hangman, and then we snuck into the pirates' lair, and skew the rest in their sleep. A shame that is, that we didn't get to see them dance at the end of a hangman's rope, but we had to make do with what we had at hand.

Next, one of our party, this fool of a whaler, got us involved in some imbroglio with a bevy of ghosts, but, after a terrifying ordeal, we managed to defeat them.

Exhausted, we rested in the blood splattered quarters of the executed pirates, and when I woke up I found out that my softer hearted companions has freed the slaves held captive by the pirates. I was upset, as I didn't trust these losers not to not somehow foolishly tip our hand to the remaining villains, and also that I wanted to throw our captive pirate into their cage with them for some good fun.

Anyways, there was the slavin' pirates boat, with some evil cultists on it below decks, that we had to burn down. Unfortunately one of the boobs in our group woke them up while we were splashing oil all over their vessel, but my keen archery skills helped make short work of them... ...until, while the boat was burning, a goddamn Sauron came out from below decks. Fortunately this freakish devil-man with us was an accomplished wrestler, and threw the Sauron into the drink.

Of course it came walking up outta the sea onto the shore, but my magic axe Wizard-Killer, with the help of my allies, made short work of that fucking Sauron.

Fortunately the other, "good" pirate that hired us, saw the smoke and picked us up, and Colonel Kaffshyth rescued the slaves and got a nice purse of gold for his heroics. We also looting a terrifying painting of a Dracula from the pirate boat, and my blood ran cold when my companions said that it was an enemy that they angered in the past!

I had enough of the sea for a bit, never mind wanting to put some distance between me and that fucking Dracula from the painting, and visited the Vaults of Vyzor next. I was with two dwarfs, a gnome, a badger, and a fucking carpenter of all thing, so the prospects looked dim.

One of these idiots wanted to hunt down the giant bees of this dungeon. Now, I'm no entomologist, but once, on the campaign trail, some conscripts threw a beehive into the officers' privy while I was taking care of "some paperwork", and those bee stings hurt like hell! I sure had a good laugh when I sent those irregular conscripts into the teeth of a cavalry charge, I still chuckle when I think of it, but I remember those infernal bee stings and was having nothing of hunting down giant bees.

I had heard of the talking wolves of Vyzor, and brought a sack of the finest steak as an offering to come and go as we pleased.

I steered our party clear of the bees, repeatedly lending out my crowbar so the bumbling fools could unstick doors.

Eventually we came across some robed skeletons, but, with a hammer, I made short work of them while everyone else was pissing their britches and bleeding all over the floor, saving the life of one if the fools with what I've learnt from watching the surgeries on the campaign trail.

While exploring I got some orcs trapped in their quarters on account of a brilliant con on my part, and one of the dwarfs translating for me.

Next, these idiots got us trapped between two portcullises, and a gang of angry orcs showed up while we were stuck like rats in a trap. One of their spears dealt The Warlock Axer General a grievous wound, but, my passions inflamed by my injury, I let off a ferocious war cry while shaking Wizard Killer at them, and the green skinned savages turned tail and ran.

With my guidance, we were able to escape the portcullis trap, and I led my companions safely out of the vaults, in the nick of time, the damnable giant bees buzzing hot on our heels, my gift of quality steaks assuring us an honor guard by the talking wolves as we exiting. 

Verdant Vault I map updated by Doug the Dwarf

ONGOING ROLL OF THE DEAD

Jonesy (0-level NPC)
Little Liam Linkboy (0-level NPC)
Limpy the Naileteer (Jeff Call)
Engsal the Enchanter (Alex Joneth)
Elfbraham Lincoln (Jeff Call)
Littlens (0-level NPC)
Biggens (0-level NPC)
Stimpy (0-level NPC)
Ren (0-level NPC)

Vaults of Vyzor, session #6

Roster

Persimion Finch, human fighter (Galen Fogarty)
Jonesy, 0-level mercenary (NPC hireling)
Brax of the Lortmils, savage human fighter (Brad Black)
Little Liam Linkboy, 0-level torchbearer (NPC hireling)
Dundermachen, dwarf, (Jeff Call)
Adam o' the Dung Heap, human fighter (NPC hireling)
Hilda Haggins, halfling thief (Reece Carter)
Jesus Christ, riding mastiff (NPC doggie)

Persimion Finch, Brax the Savage, Dundermachen the Dwarf, and their attendant hirelings decide to begin their expedition via the Citrine Halls.  The somno-musicologists and arcane craftsmen of the Citrine Hall are working on assembling the Golden Wind Guitar, a titanic instrument that, when completed, should allow the wind itself to playing some shredding riffs.  At least that's what it is supposed to do.

I had no idea that the Big Golden Guitar was an actual thing.
I just rolled the result using a 3 column chart.

They descend the stairs and kick open the door to the first chamber, to find the orcish guards taking a little break for some dice rolly fun times.

Now, there are only 3 orc gamers here and 5 party members (I don't count Little Liam, because he's a pitiful Dickensian street urchin,  He's not gonna attack an orc).  Theoretically, the party should be able to take these guys.  But in round one the good guys roll attacks mostly in the single digits and the orcs score two natural twenties.  Brax has a major artery torn open in his leg and is splattering the room with blood, while Persimion has his throat slit.  Both have mere rounds until they bleed out.  They manage to defeat the orcish game nerds and shuffle back up the stairs to get emergency medical treatment in the nick of time.  Both PCs now sport hideous scars.  Thanks the the ugly arc of scar tissue around his neck, I declare that Persimion Finch will henceforth be known to the inhabitants of Vyzor Castle as Persimion of the Second Smile.

It's at this point, after the two fighters have healed up, that the party decides to try a different way into the Vaults.  Having heard that the Verdant Vaults are guarded by weird wolves that will trade safe passage for food, they acquire dubious meat and prepare to descend with the entrance in the back cell of the Verdant Scriptorium.  It is at this point that the party is joined by Hilda Haggins, halfling thief, and her riding mastiff, Jesus Christ.  This continues the trend of dogs with ridiculous names visiting my dungeons.

Hilda is a 5e PC and fifth level to boot, so she sorta ran roughshod over my monsters a couple of times.  I don't mind this as a one-shot.  FLAILSNAILS characters are all over the map power-wise and I consider their ability to surprise me a feature rather than a bug.  Still, if Hilda or another later edition character appeared again in my dungeon, I'll be more likely to adjust power levels on the fly.   For example, I allowed Hilda to use the 5e rogue Sneak Attack rules, when I probably should have simply let her make a backstab using the BX guidelines.  I'm not harshing on 5e or the player here, it just wasn't an ideal fit for my local situation, you dig?

Anyhoo, on this second trip into the dungeons the party ends up covering some of the same ground as last week's group.  They negotiate passage with the wolves, fresh cow(?) meat now to get in, some orc meat to get out.  They then pull the alarm rope that summons the orc guards to the adjacent chamber.

The battle with these guys is one of the highlights of the session, as they are able to use the dungeon layout and some oil to minimize meleeing with eight orc guards, but they still fight them full on.  (The last party used trickery to end up only fighting 2 guards.)  This was a really juicy fight, but probably my favorite two moments were these:  The leader of the orcs was this badass with a battleaxe and a cool helmet who had the ability to catch and counterattack thrown weapons.  Coincidentally, this party had no bows or crossbows, only thrown melee attacks.  So I got to try to murder the PCs with their own weapons a couple of times.  Then there was the supremely awesome moment when Dundermachen leapt over a pool of flaming oil--his own warhammer also alight with flames--and landed right in front of this orc leader guy.  He then proceeded to absolutely crush the dude's cajones with a mighty flaming hammer blow to the crotch.

The party defeat the orcs and backtrack to their barracks.  Careful searching reveal two things.  The first is an orcish cookie jar, which actually contains a little treasure but also an angry scorpion.  Fortunately, Hilda opened the cookie jar and she's immune to poison thanks to a previous adventure.  The other item of note is a secret door that leads to the orcish training room, where they witness a grizzled one-eyed orc with a whip instructing maybe a dozen new recruits.  He's got straw dummies of a human, an elf, a dwarf, and a halfling, each marked with red paint indicating vulnerable areas.  The orcs don't immediately notice the party, so our brave heroes quietly close the door and seek adventure elsewhere.

Alright, maggots!  I'm going to show you how to kill PCs!

Speaking of secret doors and whatnot, Dundermachen caroused after this expedition and has been proudly showing off his map of the 1st level of the Verdant Vault to a bunch of people in and around Castle Vyzor.  Dig it:

Brax actually made this map.
How the dwarf ended up with it is anybody's guess.

Exiting the barracks and returning to the big east-west corridor, they decide to scope out the dead end to the north after the turn.  They successfully find a secret door back to the first room of the level.  This is when a wandering monster finally shows up.  Yay!  It's a swarm of giant (1' long) killer bees!  Had they not found the secret door, the party would now be trapped in a dead end.  But here's the kicker: they forgot up until this point to collect some orc meat to placate the wolves and guarantee a safe return to the surface!  This results in a brief but chaotic combat where the PCs fight bees and wolves in and around the secret door, but the wolves and bees also end up fighting each other.  All sides take casualties: Jonesy and Little Liam succumb to deadly bee stings, but some wolves and bees go down as well.  The party spot a brief opening in the wolf formation and high-tail it out of the dungeon, leaving the insects and canines to fight among themselves.  Wild carousing follows.

ONGOING ROLL OF THE DEAD

Jonesy (0-level NPC)

Little Liam Linkboy (0-level NPC)

Limpy the Naileteer (Jeff Call)

Engsal the Enchanter (Alex Joneth)
Elfbraham Lincoln (Jeff Call)
Littlens (0-level NPC)
Biggens (0-level NPC)
Stimpy (0-level NPC)
Ren (0-level NPC)

known Vyzor levels update

Vaults of Vyzor, session #5

Yareh Falsong before visiting the Verdant Vault.

Roster

Sneakerly Trull, half-orc thief - Zak Smith

Mozzarella, mangy cur purchased by Sneakerly - NPC

Yareh Falsong, one-armed thief - Sam Mameli

Barnabus Sleet, muscle wizard (think Flex Mentallo) - Maxime Goluchik

Otto One-Eye, 0-level mercenary hired by Barnabus - NPC (first use of the new hireling rules)

Man Rider, hideously mutated goblin paladin of chaos - Jez Gordon

This motley crew opted to explore the first level of the Vaults below the Verdant Scriptorium, an area previously unexplored by any PC.  Much of the expedition was spent carefully mapping a series of corridors and doors, looking for secret doors, and examining a strange 'water wall' room.  Various party members in various states of intoxication try to explain at various times what exactly they saw, but it is not entirely clear whether the room is full of water or the walls are made of water or what.

Anyway, let's talk about the wolves.  Apparently a pack of intelligent and creepy wolves guards the entrance to the dungeon and will bargain with adventurers, trading food for passage further into the level.  It is suggested that you avoid their gaze, but no details are offered as to what happens if you don't.

Somewhere just beyond the wolves is a room with a pull rope near a door.  Pulling it sounds an unseen gong, summoning orc guards.  Apparently the Orcs of the Red Hand control at least part of this level as well.  The party was able to trick the orcs so that they only had to fight two orcs warriors instead of a whole band of them.  Where the rest of them went is not known.

While searching for secret doors around a suspicious 'hole' in the map, a pair of wandering ghouls showed up.  One of them fumbled its first attack and Flair flopped onto the floor in front of the party.  Yarseh put her crossbow to the back of its head and killed it gangland execution style.  Meanwhile, hero of the beach Barnabus Sleet went all Fist of the North Star on the other and upper cut its head clean off.  Not bad for a couple of first level chumps.  But they couldn't finish them off before one of them took a big ol' bite out of Otto One-Eye.  

Fortunately, Man Rider had some magic healing on him.  I don't know where he got this stuff, but he had these monster eyeballs that one could eat for something like d6+3 healing each.  Did I mention that Man Rider is a damn weirdo?  He started life as a relatively normal goblin, but thanks to his devotion to a Games Workshop style god of chaos, he now looks like this:

Don't worry, he's on our side! (I think.)

This will come in handy later when Sneakerly convinces the orc bosses of the level that Man Rider is an emissary from the demon lord Orcagorgon, but I am getting ahead of myself.  So Otto is an ordinary light infantry spear dude.  He's in a dark and dangerous dungeon.  He is not that smart and is easily confused.  The poor guy doesn't have a left eye and he pawned his eye-patch months ago for beer money.  Now he narrowly escapes death at the jaws of a ghoul.  He's lost a lot of blood and is maybe a little faint, when the blue tentacled menace of the team hands him an eyeball.  Otto does the obvious thing with it and pops it into his eye socket.

That's not using the medicine as recommended, but I rule that it will heal him.  Zak pulls out his copy of Realms of Chaos and Jez rolls on the mutation chart to see what else happens.  I say either the result has to be made to work with the situation or else there is no further side effect.  The roll is "gain prehensile tail."  After some back-and-forth I decide that the mercenary will henceforth be known as Otto of the Prehensile Eye.  Not only can he see out of it, but his new monster eye works like a tentacle, he can see around corners with it, etc.

Not long after the party is approaching a set of stairs down, presumably to level 2, when they are attacked by archers in the darkness.  And these archers are using buzzsaw arrows.

One of the buzzsaw arrows shears a buttock clean off Man Rider.  Thanks, Arduin critical hit charts.  Barnabus the Muscle Wizard charges the orc archers and lays into one of them with his mighty fist.  Only after punching this orc in the gut does he see that this guy is the orcish equivalent of Bolo Yeung in full Bloodsport badass mode.

Barnubus ducks some vicious chops and strikes, activating his hero halo to cast sleep on the orc archers.  They are then slain.  For a single round, Orco Yeung versus Flex Mentallo looked like it was going to be the most epic first level encounter I have ever seen.  But then it was all over.

There's a lever here, which Man Rider immediately pulls.  It drops a pair of portcullises that the orcs should have used to trap the party, but they got excited about the prospect of shooting them and forgot about it.  I tend to assume that orcs have stooge level intelligence, merely because it amuses me.  Anyway, Man Rider lowering and raising the portcullis creates enough noise to draw the attention of the orc boss in the next room, as well as his cronies.

It's an orc bard, with his pals an orc magic-user and an orc... elf?  Okay, here's the first thing.  I'm adapting some oldy moldy dungeon levels for this campaign, right?  And the basis for this level has an evil human bard, and evil wizard type, and an evil elf as the bosses of the orcs here.  In the context of my larger dungeon, this is one of the levels controlled by the Orcs of the Red Hand.  There's no reason why 3 non-orcs would be in charge here.  So I made them into orcs.  This obviously creates the problem of why an orc archer is dressing like Peter Pan, but since when have any of my dungeons made total sense anyway?

So here's the second thing.  I know for a fact that Zak hates bards.  You would not believe how delighted I was when the party opted to explore the level with an evil orcish bard in it.  And then they actually made over to the section of the dungeon the evil bard occupies!  So of course there's a big tornado of violence that starts when Sneakerly convinces the locals to pay obeisance to Man Rider, herald of Orcagorgon.  The three anomalous orcs are slain.  For good measure, Zak smashes the bard's mandolin.  Does that make up a tiny bit for the time I killed his PC's dog?  I hope so.

Somewhere along the way Man Rider and Yareh put their heads together and decide to transplant Bolo's arm on her body.  Man Rider calls upon dark forces and Realms of Chaos is consulted a second time.  A few dice throws later Yareh has a beefy orc-arm and a boosted strength score, but her legs have mutated into those of a crow.

The party then loots the treasury of the orc bard and crew, carting off some nice things and four iron trunks full of coins.  They also rescue Dale, a human fighter that was a member of Dundermachen's doomed expedition.  Dale was being tortured by the bard for information, which was unfortunate for Dale, seeing as how he knows two things: jack and shit.

The party carries their loot and Dale back to the surface, throwing the Bargain Wolves a bag of orc limbs to assure their safe passage back up to the Verdant Scriptorium.  It's Miller time.

UPDATE: Man Rider's version of events

ONGOING ROLL OF THE DEAD

Limpy the Naileteer (Jeff Call)

Engsal the Enchanter (Alex Joneth)
Elfbraham Lincoln (Jeff Call)
Littlens (0-level NPC)
Biggens (0-level NPC)
Stimpy (0-level NPC)
Ren (0-level NPC)

After one expedition to the Verdant Vault.

Meet the locals: Vyzor hirelings

A large number of semi-active adventurers have become permanent fixtures in and around Castle Vyzor.  Most of the time, these individuals are happy to sponge off the generosity of the Sorcerer of the Blue Mask.  Occasionally--often due to gambling debts or unpaid bar tabs--they get desperate enough to actually venture into the dungeons for a small fee and possibly a share of the loot.  This is where your PC comes in.  For just a few gold pieces, you can hire one of these poor fools and probably lead them to their doom.

Since these are unique (hopefully-)recurring characters, you can only recruit and control one hireling at a time.  These folks generally work on a per-session basis.  If they survive an adventure, they go back into the hiring pool.  If a single session of game play involves more than one expedition (i.e. you exit the dungeon and go back in) then you must make a morale role (modified by the DM if the previous expedition was particularly harrowing or enriching) to cajole your hireling back into the Vaults.

To recruit one of these folks, spend 10gp, 25gp, or 100gp.  Consult the Charisma chart to find out what die you may roll on the roster below.  If you don’t like the result, you can choose not to hire anyone but you’re out the gold and don’t get to try again; whoever you rolled is your best prospect given the time and money available.

			CHARISMA
	3	4-8	9-12	13-17	18
10gp	you get Willy	d4	d6	d10	d20
25gp	d6	d10	d12	d20	d30
100gp	d10	d12	d20	d30	choose

Note that one of the reasons why you want the largest die possible is because the chart is basically ordered by competence.  Hireling #10 and #18 may both be first level Fighters, but #10 will require more oversight than #18.  Not that #18 is without his own issues.  That guy thinks he’s the hero in a sword-and-sorcery novel.

Ability scores are generally irrelevant for these people.  For simplicity’s sake, they all range from 9 to 12.  You can assume fighters have a 12 Str and an 9 Int, for instance.

Hit points are rolled anew for each expedition.  Fighters and dwarves get d8.  Clerics, elves, and halflings get d6.  Everyone else gets d4.

Most characters start with no equipment save the weapon and armor listed below, with the following exceptions: Thieves generally have a crummy lockpick or two.  Clerics possess a shoddy wooden holy symbol.  And magic-users own a poorly organized spellbook incomprehensible to anyone else.  Other specialists probably have the basics to practice their profession.  Any equipment purchased for hirelings stay with them after the expedition is over, though these folks have a tendency to misplace, break, or otherwise lose equipment.

Spellcasters get random BX spells.  Reroll between expeditions.  These characters are generally too incompetent to learn or teach new spells.

Anyone with a standard class (not a zero level weenie) earns half experience and is entitled to a half a share of moneys earned.  All hirelings will automatically carouse if they can afford to do so, earning half XP.

Should something unfortunate happen to one of these poor wretches, a replacement will appear on the chart that may or may not be of the same class.  Should a hireling experience a windfall, they may retire at the DM’s discretion.

These rules generally replace normal henchmen and hireling rules, but you can bring in henchmen from other FLAILSNAILS campaigns.  Also, if there is a shortage of PCs, the DM may still fill out the party with some of boring spearmen.

ROSTER

Die Roll	Name	Class	Weapon	Armor	Miscellaneous
1	Willy Whats-his-name	0-Level (Loser)	club	rags	absolutely non-descript
2	Otto One-Eye	0-Level (Mercenary)	spear	rags	no left eye; nasty gaping hole
3	Young John	0-Level (Likely Lad)	dagger	rags	eager to please
4	Little Liam Linkboy	0-Level (Misc)	none	rags	torchbearer, won't fight
5	Jonesy	0-Level (Mercenary)	shortbow, empty quiver	rags	shifty little mofo
6	John Lackwit	0-Level (Loser)	had a club, but lost it	rags	needs constant supervision
7	Richard Half-beard	Thief	dagger	rags	bad burn on side of face
8	Wicked Juliana	Fighter	battle axe	leather	merciless
9	Sly Henry	Thief	dagger	rags	calls himself Sly, actually a fool
10	Adam o' the Dung Heap	Fighter	mace	shield	oh God, the stench
11	Poor Brother Rupert	Cleric	staff	raggedy robe	sold his holy symbol to feed the poorer
12	Baguette	Halfling	dagger	leather	kid sister of Fromage and Escargot
13	Balphazad the Befuddled	Magic-User	staff	tattered robe	would forget his beard if it wasn't glued on
14	Kernick	0-Level (Mercenary)	rusty polearm	chain	not from around here, speaks very little Common
15	Emma Bright-Eyes	0-Level (Likely Lass)	sling, 2d6 stones	patchwork dress	an innocent; if she gets killed you might actually cry
16	Walter the Physick	0-Level (Misc)	dagger	threadbare robe	physician (quack?), non-combatant
17	Slightly Creepy Kerra	Thief	dagger	leather	the way she smiles when she draws her dagger...
18	Hugo the Slayer	Fighter	sword & dagger	leather	can't actually dual wield, alternates attacks
19	Fromage	Halfling	shortbow, d8 arrows	leather	middle brother of Baguette and Escargot
20	Gwalin Rustbritches	Dwarf	warhammer	leather & shield	hated by other dwarves, no one knows why
21	Runaway Tom	0-Level (Likely Lad)	staff	rags	something about that boy ain't quite right
22	Sister Hilda	Cleric	mace	shield	smites evil with joy
23	Alice Talks to Crows	Magic-User	staff	robe	certain all animals speak Common but choose not to
24	Ralf the Pathetic	Fighter	sword	shield, helmet	woe-is-me disgraced knight
25	Fat Roger	Thief	shortsword	rags	armor costs 150% for size adjustments
26	Gilbert the Heretic	Cleric	club	shield	won't shut up about angels
27	Morwena the Hedgewitch	Magic-User	dagger	robe	you can't stop staring at the wart on her nose
28	Escargot	Halfling	shortsword	leather&shield	eldest brother of Baguette and Fromage
29	Oombur Axebutt	Dwarf	handaxe	chain&shield	composes songs, not bad at it but his singing is terrible
30	Mellifor of the Brazen Hand	Elf	longsword	chainmail	right hand made of brass (semi-functional)

Mercenaries are capable of holding their own with human-like foes such as orcs and goblins.  They are less stalwart against weird monsters and undead.

Losers are generally incompetent.  They are nonetheless useful because once per expedition they can be used as cannon fodder to absorb some doom that would otherwise befall their employer.  E.g. that orc axe that would have split you in twain actually kills Willy instead.

Likely Lads and Lasses are the most competent and daring of zero-level characters.  At the end of each expedition, there is a 1 in 6 chance they ‘graduate’ to an actual adventuring class.  Their new class will be identical to that of their recent employer, if possible.  (E.g. a Likely Lass who worked for a Dwarf will probably become a Fighter.)