Thursday, July 29, 2004

Depressed

Today someone started a thread on RPG.net asking folks to talk about the coolest people they've ever gamed with.  I immediately thought about my old buddy David.  He and I go way back.  He was in my very first game group, the one I started with a D&D Basic Set and no idea what I was doing.  We gamed together regularly through grade school, junior high, and high school.  We played all sorts of games: boardgames, roleplaying games, video games.  Dave eventually assumed the role of Dungeon Master for some of our Dungeons & Dragons games.  He was a fun DM.  One of the best that I have played with to this day.  He had a great knack for finding that fine line between fudging all the dice rolls and letting the chips fall where they may.  His campaigns mixed equal parts goodnatured humor and deadly earnestness.  I really miss the opportunity to play with him.  He and I had a falling out last time we tried to schedule a get-together.  I didn't do a very good job communicating the fact that I was flat broke and so couldn't participate in lavish festivities nor did I succeed in getting him to understand my anxiety over being too far away from my family.  Heated words were exchanged in a series of increasingly asinine emails on both sides and eventually the whole thing dropped.  We haven't been in touch since.  Damn, that hurts.  I don't have a lot of close friends and David was always one of the closest.  I'd like to patch things up with him but I'm still angry at him too.  He was totally harshing on me and rather than keep my cool I lashed back.  Stupid, stupid, stupid.  What makes me nuts is the fact that it was my second attempt to get together in a row that got all fucked up.  I thought the previous one was a fluke.  Now, I dunno.  Maybe we've just drifted too far apart.  Dave seemed to be acting like an asshole, but if you asked him I was acting like one too.  What can we do?  I feel like I really reached out and tried.  Heck, my wife didn't even want me to contact him the second time because she saw how depressed I got over the first fiasco.  But I felt that my good friend was worth a second chance.  That sentiment got me nowheresville, Daddy-O, as Dave seemed to be pushing for a confrontation from his first response to my inquiry.  Maybe I misread his emails.  After all, it's harder to read someone's intentions when you can't hear the tone of their voice or see their body language.  That's always the great challenge of communicating with folks over teh intarweb.  Still, I can't quite shake the suspicion that maybe Dave didn't want to hear from me that second time, like maybe he came on so strong 'cause he wanted to torpedo the rendezvous.  It's breaking my heart to even speculate like that, so maybe I'd be better off assuming the whole damn thing was my fault.