Wednesday, July 23, 2008

best quote ever

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Bastard Sword" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Katanas deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine katana in Japan for 2,400,000 Yen (that's about $20,000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid steel with my katana.

Japanese smiths spend years working on a single katana and fold it up to a million times to produce the finest blades known to mankind. Katanas are thrice as sharp as European swords and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a longsword can cut through, a katana can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a katana could easily bisect a knight wearing full plate with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why medieval Europe never bothered conquering Japan? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Samurai and their katanas of destruction. Even in World War II, American soldiers targeted the men with the katanas first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Katanas are simply the best sword that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Katanas:

(One-Handed Exotic Weapon) 1d12 Damage 19-20 x4 Crit +2 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

(Two-Handed Exotic Weapon) 2d10 Damage 17-20 x4 Crit +5 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of Katanas in real life, don't you think?
-from 4chan, passed on to me by my buddy Pat

25 comments:

  1. I agree that Katanas are much sharper but the reason Europe didn't invade Japan was because it was five and a half thousand miles away. :)

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  2. Bah. Everyone knows that katanas should do 1d6 damage just like any other weapon. It just makes sense.

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  3. Anonymous8:57 AM

    I hate these rants about how Katanas were best swords ever made, they used the same techniques to make as western swords, but just had a different shape and length.

    They did the job they were designed to do. The myths about their abilities seem to grow in the telling.

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  4. All I know is if I was in WWII and I had to face a Bonzai Charge led by a guy with a sharp looking sword I shoot the guy first for two reasons:

    1) He looks like he's in charge and maybe they'll leave if he dies.

    2) If I got to choose, I'd much rather be shot than stabbed or hacked at with a sword.

    The rest of the rant was good for a smile on my Wednesday morning.

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  5. 2d10? I hope he meant % dice. They'd easily do 1-100 damage. That's why they invented the d100 after all.

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  6. wulfgar9:51 AM

    Obviously the guys who did the Last Samurai movie were woefully ignorant. The guys with Katanas should have kicked those machinegunners' butts.

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  7. Ha, ha. Solid slabs of steel. I can punch through ten foot thick stone walls. I should know what I am talking about, after all I commissioned a cestus from a real Roman cestus smith for 1,000,000 denarii (that's about $60,000) and have been praticising with it for 2,000 years.

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  8. Clearly, TMNT&OS had the right idea...

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  9. The Katana's superiority is the reason why you don't hear about Japanese
    Wiccans.

    Note to DMs: You get a lot less users of Katanas if you pronounce it like the Mortal Kombat announcer (which had a character called 'Kitana') everytime the PC swings it. The same method works great o prevent spurious dice rolling whenever someone casts Confusion, just play the eponymous ELO song (who also do a great bit about petrification).

    I've yet to experiment with 4E and Billy Joels "(Don't forget your) Second Wind"...

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  10. Anonymous10:28 AM

    To Quote Neal Stephenson in Cryptonomicon:

    WWII era Ronald Regan: Do you have any advice for those guys still out there in the pacific theater?

    Shaftoe: SHOOT THE GUY WITH THE SWORD!

    Ronald Regan: Thats it?

    Shaftoe: SHOOT THE GUY WITH THE SWORD!

    -jester47

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  11. Anonymous10:33 AM

    Toledo steel was just as good. As rules for master work though you do have a point. I think +1 to hit, dmg and crit range is good.

    j47

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  12. Beautiful idiocy :)

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  13. They did the job they were designed to do. The myths about their abilities seem to grow in the telling.

    My god - the katana is the "Chuck Norris" of D&D weapons!

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  14. Or, if you spend $20,000 for one, they're the phallic-replacement sports car of D&D weapons ;)

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  15. Anonymous10:59 AM

    My god - the katana is the "Chuck Norris" of D&D weapons!

    How do you buy a Katana?

    You don't it buys you!

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  16. "Or, if you spend $20,000 for one, they're the phallic-replacement sports car of D&D weapons"

    I refuse to speculate on the implications of your statement in regard to the shape of a sword.

    *thinking nervously about the wooden 'short' sword in my living room*

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  17. Biff the younger12:48 PM

    As with just about anything else, TV Tropes has an entry on this:

    http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/KatanasAreJustBetter

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  18. Um... Wow...

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ybXe4khkLP0

    Regards,
    Walt

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  19. MutieMoe1:28 AM

    Oh dear, that quote brings back memories of ankward gaming moments.

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  20. I think there was an inaccuracy in that quote. Superior katanas were fice as powerful as the equivalent western broadsword, not thrice.

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  21. "I refuse to speculate on the implications of your statement in regard to the shape of a sword."

    "I see your Schwartz is as big as mine."

    Of course, as any katana devotee can explain, the lightsaber is a silly device because even if you built one, it would be inferior to a katana.

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  22. biff the younger8:00 AM

    But what if Chuck Norris became a ninja and then got a katana? What then, eh?

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  23. But what if Chuck Norris became a ninja and then got a katana? What then, eh?

    Norris' parents used to fondly refer to that as "baby's first day."

    They were going to have his first katana bronzed, but it was left lodged in the heart of giant space robot that was threatening the earth.

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  24. I'm surprised nobody has commented on this bit yet: "Japanese smiths spend years working on a single katana and fold it up to a million times to produce the finest blades known to mankind."

    A million times? By my back of the envelope calculation, that would mean a swordsmith working at the time of Christ would just about be finishing off his katana around about next Thursday...

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  25. It's the misinformed and ignorant that propagate these myths. I have been studying Japanese martial arts for a long time and stuff like this drives both myself and those that continue to teach us crazy. Oh well...Next thing you know this guy will have us believing that Kurosawa should be running for president.

    Regards.
    Walt

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