Friday, July 07, 2017

Vaults of Vyzor, session 7

Roster

Colonel Kaffshyth (Blair Fitzpatrick)
Doug the Dwarf (Courtney Campbell)
Sigismund von Flegelschnecke, gnome fighter/illusionist (Alexei McDonald)
Gary Oldman Badger, badger (Sigismund's pet)
Brutal Pete, dwarf (Aleksandr Revzin)
Yohey the Carpenter, Lamentations-style Specialist (Anthony Fournier)


COLONEL KAFFSHYTH'S ADVENTURE IN KREVBORNA AND THE VAULTS OF VYZOR (as written by the Colonel himself)
So the Warlock-Axer has been taking a bit of a vacation in this spooky land called Kreveborna where I got involved in some scheme to rescue slaves from a pirate, hired by another pirate of all people. Well, as far as the Colonel is concerned, the scum of the sea are only good for two things, axing, and hanging, but these pirates seemed to run this town, and if they're shaking a coin purse at me to perform some good deed I might as well make the best of it.

After I shook down this lazy clerk at the docks for some prime intelligence, we set off for the slavin' pirate's hideout. Unfortunately, the bumblers I was teamed up with managed to get the bottom of our boat torn out and we were trapped on this dismal island.

We found the pirates' lair, and we manged to trick this lazy straggler into falling into our clutches. After the ole' Warlock-Axer-General shook Wizard-Killer in his face and put the fear of law and order in his shriveled black pirate heart the coward caved in faster than those hobbit holes I had bombarded back when I campaigning in some back-country called the Shire.

I came up with a brilliant con, a tale of casks of liquor, free for the taking, that this turn coat captive of mine used so we could ambush and cut down his former compatriots, saving one for the hangman, and then we snuck into the pirates' lair, and skew the rest in their sleep. A shame that is, that we didn't get to see them dance at the end of a hangman's rope, but we had to make do with what we had at hand.

Next, one of our party, this fool of a whaler, got us involved in some imbroglio with a bevy of ghosts, but, after a terrifying ordeal, we managed to defeat them.

Exhausted, we rested in the blood splattered quarters of the executed pirates, and when I woke up I found out that my softer hearted companions has freed the slaves held captive by the pirates. I was upset, as I didn't trust these losers not to not somehow foolishly tip our hand to the remaining villains, and also that I wanted to throw our captive pirate into their cage with them for some good fun.

Anyways, there was the slavin' pirates boat, with some evil cultists on it below decks, that we had to burn down. Unfortunately one of the boobs in our group woke them up while we were splashing oil all over their vessel, but my keen archery skills helped make short work of them... ...until, while the boat was burning, a goddamn Sauron came out from below decks. Fortunately this freakish devil-man with us was an accomplished wrestler, and threw the Sauron into the drink.

Of course it came walking up outta the sea onto the shore, but my magic axe Wizard-Killer, with the help of my allies, made short work of that fucking Sauron.

Fortunately the other, "good" pirate that hired us, saw the smoke and picked us up, and Colonel Kaffshyth rescued the slaves and got a nice purse of gold for his heroics. We also looting a terrifying painting of a Dracula from the pirate boat, and my blood ran cold when my companions said that it was an enemy that they angered in the past!

I had enough of the sea for a bit, never mind wanting to put some distance between me and that fucking Dracula from the painting, and visited the Vaults of Vyzor next. I was with two dwarfs, a gnome, a badger, and a fucking carpenter of all thing, so the prospects looked dim.

One of these idiots wanted to hunt down the giant bees of this dungeon. Now, I'm no entomologist, but once, on the campaign trail, some conscripts threw a beehive into the officers' privy while I was taking care of "some paperwork", and those bee stings hurt like hell! I sure had a good laugh when I sent those irregular conscripts into the teeth of a cavalry charge, I still chuckle when I think of it, but I remember those infernal bee stings and was having nothing of hunting down giant bees.

I had heard of the talking wolves of Vyzor, and brought a sack of the finest steak as an offering to come and go as we pleased.

I steered our party clear of the bees, repeatedly lending out my crowbar so the bumbling fools could unstick doors.

Eventually we came across some robed skeletons, but, with a hammer, I made short work of them while everyone else was pissing their britches and bleeding all over the floor, saving the life of one if the fools with what I've learnt from watching the surgeries on the campaign trail.

While exploring I got some orcs trapped in their quarters on account of a brilliant con on my part, and one of the dwarfs translating for me.

Next, these idiots got us trapped between two portcullises, and a gang of angry orcs showed up while we were stuck like rats in a trap. One of their spears dealt The Warlock Axer General a grievous wound, but, my passions inflamed by my injury, I let off a ferocious war cry while shaking Wizard Killer at them, and the green skinned savages turned tail and ran.

With my guidance, we were able to escape the portcullis trap, and I led my companions safely out of the vaults, in the nick of time, the damnable giant bees buzzing hot on our heels, my gift of quality steaks assuring us an honor guard by the talking wolves as we exiting. 


Verdant Vault I map updated by Doug the Dwarf


ONGOING ROLL OF THE DEAD

Jonesy (0-level NPC)
Little Liam Linkboy (0-level NPC)
Limpy the Naileteer (Jeff Call)
Engsal the Enchanter (Alex Joneth)
Elfbraham Lincoln (Jeff Call)
Littlens (0-level NPC)
Biggens (0-level NPC)
Stimpy (0-level NPC)
Ren (0-level NPC)