Monday, February 04, 2008

It came from 4chan

I don't hang out on 4chan, as it strikes me as wilder and woolier than I want out of a web community. But my good bud Pat digs it and forwarded me the following item from the game subsection of the board. Enjoy.

Doc Aquatic's Random Encounter Chart

1. Thieves break into houses, steal nothing, refuse to leave.
2. Thieves break into houses, redecorate poorly.
3. Threat of orcs.
4. Threat of shooty and choppy orks from distant future.
5. Threat of distinguished and articulate orks from Victorian era.
6. Virgin succubus cursed to never get laid desperately seeks assistance, slowly goes apeshit crazy.
7. Map discovered on back of portrait of hideous man. Turns out portrait is map of Hideousmanface Mountain; map is portrait of guardian Map Golem.
8. Rain of frogs plague town. Man discovers frogs to be competent dance troupe. Man conquers national performance circuit.
9. Local baker seeks perfect ingredients for ultimate cake, secretly constructs powerful Cake Golem.
10. Philosophical zombies ponder meaning of love, pester passersby.
11. Noble wedding interupted by aggresive eel salesmen.
12. Attacked by snakes in wilderness environment.
13. Attacked by snakes in urban enviroment.
14. Attacked by urban enviroment; allies found in form of friendly snakes.
15. Sorcerer, for shits and giggles, trains ethereal filchers to interupt people during sex.
16. Party helps marauding demon warrior realize childhood dream of becoming stageshow dancer.
17. During daily tour, prestigious magic academy looted by goblins disguised as ugly children.
18. Ancient lich seeks new thrills by competing in mixed martial arts tournament.
19. Advancements in magically powered musical instruments climaxes with crew of grunge rock pirate bards clashing with clan of heavy metal viking bards; town threatened by collateral damage from killer solos. Crafty punk rock gypsies armed with enchanted accordians seek to capitalize on ensuing mayhem; all are united in effort to stick it to uptight paladins trying to bring them down. Powerful vibes attract glam rock demons and dirty hippies.
20. Dungeons give chase.
21. Bees get organized.
22. Party endlessly pursued by screaming fans, accompanied by catchy 60s rock.
23. Innacurate historical re-enactment attracts ire of necromancer history buff.
24. Passive aggresive druids extoll virtures of peace, love, substance abuse.
25. Captain Hampton attempts to use violence to stop the Halfling Pirates of Willygoat, who, although they are wee men, have big swords.
26. Dwarves threatened by serial barber.
27. Half-ogre lint merchant and half-drow nobleman's hot jailbait daughter harbour forbidden love.
28. Effeminate prince mistaken for princess and dragon who has kidnapped him harbour forbidden love.
29. Earth elemental and gelatinous cube harbour forbidden love.
30. Society plagued by freakish crossbreeds.
31. Awakened animated door develops delusion of being world-class gourmet and tirelessly hunts for keys to sample and critique.
32. Trio of skeletons discover their bones are pitch-perfect xylophones, start traveling percussion band, overcome prejudice, learn valuable life lessons, get laid.
33. Ancient lich seeks new thrills by competing in biathalon; disqualified for using machine gun.
34. Clinically insane duke hires party to kill invisible bugbears that turn out to be invisible hobgoblins with bad haircuts.
35. Desert-dwelling cactus dryads pine for romance with travellers, endlessly complain about how their spiny bodies prevent intimacy, get kidnapped by group of masochistic yuan-ti in ironic twist.
36. Tornados plan uprising.
37. Volcanos plot revenge.
38. Meteors get their shit together.
39. Fire, Water, Wind and Earth Elementals use lifedraining magic ring in attempt to create Heart Elemental and complete ancient summoning ritual.
40. Kobolds blow it all up.
41. Obnoxious scouts run around hitting people with bats.
42. Elderly grave digger has chance meeting with Grim Reaper; heated weapon debate escalates to destructive duel.
43. Gentlemanly british marksman hunts party for sport using only sheer grit, determination, and steam-powered railgun.
44. Sinister duststorms herald hobo revolution.
45. Party stalked by assassin rumoured to dual-weild katars, in actuality dual-weilds keytars.
46. High priest is secretly complex musical animatronic.
47. Desert warlord sends party to blue dragon's lair to retrieve the keys to his camel.
48. Mass pandemonium ensues when travelling troll barbarians pitch their tent in slightly inconveniant spot.
49. Reformed illithid working as hair stylist falls under suspicion.
50. Threat of mechanical war machines powered by steam.
51. Threat of mechanical war machines powered by clockworks.
52. Threat of mechanical war machines powered by love.
53. Miraculous self-replenshing canned food ration "Salient Blue" challenges ethics when discovered to be made of trolls.
54. Twin beholders come to town and make everyone feel self-concious.
55. Ancient lich seeking new thrills seeks recruits for rock band, records hit single "Hopeless (Nec)romantic".
56. Sinister cult believes key to peace and happiness is painting everything blue.
57. Bored Thor throws killer pool party in Valhalla.
58. Bored Eris throws killer rave on Mount Olympus.
59. Bored Buddha launches aerial raids.
60. Threat of communists.
61. Disgruntled rebel fighters attempt to crash airship into king.
62. Ambitious rebel fighters attempt to crash moon into king.
63. Philosophical rebel fighters attempt to crash king into himself.
64. Undead army ravages countryside with well-choreographed dance numbers.
65. Evil tyrant outlaws eyebrows.
66. Large, upscale inn terrorized by wildly dancing yet stoic man.
67. Gnome enforces guarantee.
68. Fiend hunter paladin declares he must kill all the tieflings; later discovers, no, he is the tieflings.
69. Ancient lich seeks new thrills by becoming ramp-jumping daredevil, succeeds in jumping bulette over 27 ill-tempered kythons.
70. Threat of goblins with guns.
71. Threat of goblins with artillery.
72. Threat of hobgoblins with artillery that launches goblins - who have guns.
73. Eccentric dictator outlaws all weaponry; decrees international issues will be resolved by giving each other high-fives. All world problems are solved.
74. Impregnable floating fortress seiged by orcs with hang gliders.
75. Rogue ties bundles of Rods of Wonder together to create Wonder Shotguns.
76. Powerful sorceror born with single large fang believes himself to be reincarnation of legendary demon king, begins war to end the earth; turns out the rest of his teeth are just kind of small.
77. Powerful barbarian whose moustache grows to look like clock hands believes himself to be the one true clock, endeavors to smash every other timepiece in the world in order to become the Highlander.
78. Powerful cleric who continuously manifests stigmata-like supernatural wounds believes himself to be second coming of a god, incites holy crusade; turns out he's just a clumsy fucker.
79. Empire seiged by macho, sideburned elves; kingdoms fall one after another, as no one believes they exist.
80. Gibbering mouther aspires to become famous scat singer.
81. Master thieves break into museum and steal priceless portrait.
82. Master thieves break into castle and steal crown jewels.
83. Master thieves break into showbusiness and steal our hearts.
84. Ancient lich seeks new thrills by challenging party to race around the world.
85. Face-scalded mad man goes on serial axe-gnawing spree.
86. Barbarian hordes burn down capital city.
87. Barbarian hordes burn down the ocean.
88. Barbarian hordes burn down the sun.
89. Spunky teenagers travel through time to stop cosmic porcupine-looking thing from annihilating planet; become their own grandparents.
90. Gentlemanly cleric sends party on suicide trip to retrieve rare plant, makes world's strongest medicine.
91. Gentlemanly cleric sends party on suicide trip to retrieve rare plant, makes world's gnarliest blunt.
92. Gentlemanly cleric sends party on suicide trip to retrieve rare plant, makes world's tastiest tea; enters berserker rage when one party member adds milk.
93. Nation becomes infested by sandworms who are attracted to things with no rhythm; entire continent becomes perpetual dance number.
94. Fledgling lich captures our hearts with story of ambition, hot blackguards, and flying zombie sharks.
95. Fire-breathing, hammer-throwing tarrasque kidnaps princess; local sewer worker heroically pursues.
96. Party endlessly pursues dastardly villain who wields a bronzed hammerhead shark and bleeds shotgun shells.
97. Halfing monk just starts punching people in the crotch, all the fucking time.
98. Notorious mummy sorceror defeats paladin nemesis by dousing self in lamp oil, igniting, and tackling him into a black hole. Everyone else in universe realizes that this is the most awesome thing that will ever happen, and falls into deep depression.
99. Paladin achieves ultimate power by replacing stick up his ass with immovable rod.
100. All of the above.

Pat also sent me an equally retarded Fumble Chart from the same source, but I won't be publishing that here at least until next week, because I'm going to use it in my Encounter Critical game at the con this weekend.