Monday, February 11, 2008

here's that fumble chart

Again, thanks to my bud Pat for finding this on 4chan's gaming forum. We only had one fumble in my Encounter Critical game Saturday, but we got result #7, so I was quite pleased.

Doctor Aquatic's Fumble Chart

1. You crush your own trachea. Your voice is now two octaves lower.

2. You amputate your own arm. It writhes for a while before falling still. 2 days later, it reanimates as a zombie arm and relentlessly attempts to strangle you.

3. You trip and fall off the nearest cliff, no matter how far away it is.

4. You spontaneously combust.

5. You flail wildly, inadvertently giving yourself a sexy new haircut.

6. You miss so hard that your future self comes back through time to bitchslap you.

7. Your weapon gets completely stuck in the ground. You cannot remove it no matter how hard you try. 5 years later, it has grown into a thriving weapon tree. Centuries from now, the weapon forest will be a natural wonder. And then treants will animate them and destroy us all.

8. You whiff and split an atom.

9. You lose your grip on your weapon. It flies through the air and hits a tree. This frightens a beautiful bird, which soars out of the tree, majestically twisting through the air. As you gaze upon it, you get momentarily philosophical, until your intended target renovates your skull.

10. You lop off your own head. You eventually fall into a rewarding career as a headless horseman, but always wonder what could have been.

11. You miss so hard that your attack travels through time and assassinates Lincoln.

12. You accidentally slash your own wrists. At least, you tell us it was an accident.

13. With a flurry of precision strikes, you somehow give yourself a flawless sex change operation.

14. You put out your own eye. You embrace the disfigurement, beocoming a notorious pirate. For years you terrorize the seas, hording treasure, pillaging ports and murdering innocents. One day, for just a moment, you seem to recognize one of the nameless civilians you are about to kill, as though you knew them, long ago. As soon as it came, the feeling, like their heartbeat, ceases.

15. It turns out you are not holding your weapon, but rather, an angry crab.

16. You give yourself a black eye. Everyone assumes your significant other is beating you. Your significant other starts frequently beating you, because hey, might as well.

17. Your weapon gets lodged in your pancreas.

18. Your pancreas gets lodged in your weapon.

19. Your weapon spontaneously animates. It does nothing but constantly sing catchy songs. At first it is enjoyable and quirky. Soon, it begins to grate. Eventually, in a fit of rage, you shout at your weapon to be quiet. It never sings again. It only sulks quietly, letting out the occasional sigh of pure sadness. Your guilty heart shrivels to the size of a cashew, and you become a lifeless, sullen entity, never again feeling the true touch of joy.

20. You miss. Probably because you didn't believe in yourself. Ass.