Monday, December 25, 2017

Vaults of Vyzor, session #27

(report by Maxime Golubchik)

Expedition Log 10 (as dictated to Dale)

Brax Tallstones, Kerf Merklin, Kilic and Magic Meryl took another stab at the Azure Vault today, so me and the girls tagged along. You came too Dale: I'm not going to waste perfectly good punching muscles by carrying things. The others hired a barbarian named Wicked Juliana (respectable) and a thief named Sly Henry. He's an idiot, more suited to comedy then stealth. I'd adventure with him again in a heartbeat: a man like that invites danger for tea.

Oh Snail was it good to be out again! That stale dungeon air, the certitude that someone around here deserves a punching: I missed it. The less said of the last two sordid months the better.

The first thing we found was a room covered with carrion crawler larva. After a lot of tom-foolery it turns out the things are harmless; those grubs couldn't paralyze a bee. Kerf stuffed a sack full of the little wrigglers and asked me to carry it. Uncharacteristically I did: consider this your official apology for when I threatened to tie you up and leave you in my closet Kerf. Next time I don't care how many of your arms are paralyzed.

Then we lit the room on fire; otherwise the dungeon was going to be FULL of carrion crawlers. I couldn't stand that kind of monotony.

We left that place and found another prison cell of that tree humping bastard the Elf King. Wait, scratch that part out Dale, I'm trying to get better at this. No, not the Elf King, the bit with the tree humping. Oh forget it. Cell contents were one starved beholder and one beholder corpse. Well you know how I feel about zoos Dale: they're an abomination. A creature belongs out there in the wild, eating and fighting. What's the point of looking at a beast if you can't punch it? So Sharene smashed the lock off the door and we got those fellows out. Figured we could rez the dead one; the way I heard it they'd been promised freedom three times now. It's things like this that make us adventurers look bad.

The next cell over was filled with nothing but bones. When that Elf builds a murder machine he does not mess around.

Well we went down to the second level, and you will not believe this Dale, but we walked right into a library. Wait, no, I suppose you will believe it, you were there. Unfortunately the librarian was talking with some tall skeletal book-worm, and we were pressed on time. I left them my card and intended to come back later, but it turned out we'd use a different exit to get back up. I'll need to send that place a letter; I bet we could set up an inter-library exchange program.

Or I could buy their library and cart it back up. Hmm, probably more efficient to find the owner and fight them for it. Winner gets both libraries. Remind me to think about this after the evening steak Dale.

While some snail-awful racket was going on found the King Bush Humps, wait, no cross that part out Dale, use King Cage Molester. Well we found the guy's R&D department. We stole a bunch of blueprints and raided the liquor cabinet. No sense going around a dungeon sober is what I say.

By this point I had hoisted the sack of grubs on Sharene, since that's what apprentices are for, and she kept complaining about how disgusting it was. To be fair, it was fairly disgusting. I let her trade one indignity for another and told her to put on some of that elf scientist gear. Stupid stuff: those long sleeves get right in the way of all of your biceps, but it would make for a good disguise.

Well finally the gang tells me what all the noise is about: there was a coliseum! Right there! And the fuckers didn't tell me! Well me and the girls marched right down there, Emma as an owl, me invisible and aching for another belt to add to my collection. And kill the Elf King, if he was there, but first things first. That's the key to adventuring, having your priorities straight.

Well, no Elf king, and whatever snail awful beastie was down there spat green goo. The dissolve all your arms kind. Pair of orc twins were down there fighting it, and I respect another man's fight; I didn't interfere. Lost an arm and a leg but they beat that bastard. If it didn't blow my cover I would have been cheering with the crowd; hell of a fight that. I should send those boys a letter.

During all this Sharene is talking to the elf nerds. Not a lot of information to get but she gets an idea. Right on the spot she introduces herself as a replacement for the last scientist who ran away. On my shoulder? Oh that's just my pet owl. And the egg heads fall for it. So now my little girls are spies. I couldn't be prouder.

Yes Dale that is a tear. A single tear. It's huge too, make sure to write down how large it is. It would take three grown me to cry a tear that large.

Well I left them to it and went back to the party. Almost tripped on Magic Meryl; she's such a tiny little thing now. She tells me that there's a dragon, stuck in another one of those agony machines to the right. Unlike the coliseum, this was the right kind of secret to keep from me; makes the whole thing more exciting. Eager to fight the dragon I downright ran to it.

What a sorry sight that thing was. Big chain hooking it to the wall, and here was the dragon, lying on the floor like a punished pooch, trying to find a comfortable way to lie down with that collar around its neck. Wasn't it pathetic Dale? See, damn right it was; this is why I pay you Dale. No we'll talk about the raise after the evening steak.

That chain was unbreakable, magically speaking. See this is why I'm in the magic business in the first place Dale; tricks like this. I should have been able to rip that thing from the wall, but no, some idiot in a pointy hat said some stupid gibberish and ruined all the fun. Magic Meryl told me that two could play at that game, and she cast a spell so hard it punched the other spell clear across the room. Brax got to the chain first and it came apart like so many paperclips.

All throughout this process the dragon has been exceedingly polite. Goes by the name Thradromax, changes color, strong enough to bit a man in two. I was itching for a fight, but an opponent like that you cherish. So we left the dungeon together and you can bet your whiskers Dale that I am going to ask him to rumble. In fact, when they finish Thundergnome that's going to the headlining event: Me VS Thradromax. I cannot WAIT to see what kind of moves he has.

Alright Dale let's get a move on on those steaks. That meat isn't going to eat itself.