Vaults of Vyzor, session 19

Roster

• Magic Meryl, magic-user (Nick Kuntz)
• Arthur, dungeon doggie (NPC pet)
• Mike O'Nidd, myconid (Matt Barclay)
• Chipping Ongar, halfling Alice (Peter C)
• John Lackwit, 0-level loser (NPC hireling)
• Kerf Merklin, cleric (Herman Klang)

Magic Meryl's Narrative (written by Nick)

What up, fellow Librarians of the Jarrod Memorial Library (and any other being reading this)! Magic Meryl here with the scoop on how our Library's name sake's head has come to find a place of honor here amongst the stacks.

I was joined in this recovery expedition by the cleric Kerf Merklin, the halfling Chipping Ongar, the mycondin Mike O'Nidd, my faithful companion Arthur, and a wicked hang over. A special thanks to Chipping for financing a lot of the expedition including re-outfitting Mike O'Nidd (dude didn't even have any pants), hiring John Lackwit (R.I.P.), and getting a ridiculously large shield that saved our bacon a couple of times. I think that last item was Kerf's idea.

We started our mission, like any trip to the Verdant Vault, by bribing the Bargain Wolves with some prime cut meat. Kerf courteously handed them the meat which they enjoyed greatly (granting us free entry and exit from the Vault). We slipped out the northwest secret door as they chowed down.

We rolled south to the elbow of the "L" shaped passage where we tried to pass through a southwest door. John Lackwit set up the tower shield in front of the door and I watched the party's back as the rest of the gang pulled a rope tied to a ring on door. It worked like a charm as the door swung open with a hefty heave causing the bolt from a crossbow trap to land right in the center of a target Chipping painted on the shield. If only the rest of the doors were so easy.

Kerf snagged the heavy crossbow (I wanted to sabotage it but whatever) as we swung south to try to find an orc skull to give to the demon that killed Jarrod or complete the pentagram if we needed one. We took the next door West and that was the end of our luck with opening doors for a got minute. Neither the furthest west door on the southern wall nor the west door at the end of this hallway opened (The western door may be a fake like previous parties have thought. Later on, I didn't see a match in the hall next door where there should be one). The noise of the doors rattling really was making my hungover head scream so I suggested we try another route. We end up cutting through a relaxing meditation chamber perfect for giving a wizard a recharge in spell power. It was behind the Eastern most North door in the hall. We popped out of the mediation room North through two sets of secret doors before emptying out into of a hall.

The hall contained the most breathtaking sight I have ever seen. Three-inch fireflies floated around the hall, illuminating whole hall in a bioluminescence radiating from their lower abdomen. I am used to running into things like slime-covered carrion crawler love dens in these dungeons so it was really welcome thing to run into something as beautiful as that moment. Chipping and I really regretted not having anything to capture a specimen in. He wished to return with a butterfly net at a later date (we really ended up ruing not having the right gear in that moment). As we took in the scene, one of the giant lampyridae gentling settled on John Lackwit's head. 

We then headed down the hall to the West.  We found ourselves in a chamber to the slight Southwest where we were expecting to find a door spiked beyond reason in the West wall. Instead, its burning ember remains lay scattered around the entryway. A fear filled the pit of my stomach (not great when hungover). The demon that killed Jarrod had escaped.

When I planned this mission, I wasn't sure how it was going to go in the least. I had prepped my classic magic missile spell in case I had to blast the demon with the only thing I had that had the slim chance of injuring it. I had expected that someone (let's be real, John Lackwit) was going to die opening the door to the demon. And I had trained my dungeon terrier, Arthur, to fetch Jarrod's head using the scent of Jarrod's spell book*.

Arthur let out a pleasant yip and wagged his tail as he caught scent of Jarrod from beyond the wreckage of the door. I knew I had to stick with that last part of my plans. It took Arthur just a quick moment to come bounding over the rumble with Jarrod's head; Arthur safe and sound. I stored the skull in my bag and gave Arthur a treat along with some solid affection. He was such a brave and faithful dog just like I knew he would be. Chipping even comment on how good of a boy he was.

Kerf decide to investigate the pentagram room for a secret passage. That is when things got all fucking weird and creepy real quick. The glowbugs all swiftly flew up the ceiling and Arthur started softly growling at the eastern hall we arrived from. It was the fricking demon coming for us for messing with his shit. I knew it couldn't be anything else. We decided to retreat South.

Passed the door, the hall mostly was mostly a bust. Like previously mentioned, there was no door to the East where it should have matched up with one we failed to open earlier. There wasn't any abandoned loot like that marked on the map of the last adventuring party to explore this end of the Vault. There was a door in the Southern most spot of the Western wall. It was spiked and had a warning about undead scrawled across it. Kerf said he could handle them and we believed him. we cracked that sucker open. What else are we going to do? Go fight a fricking demon with no magic weapons?

Inside, we found an odd shaped room with a southern door, four urns, and seven petrified bodies of orcs set in the walls. Finally, we had found our orc bodies to get a skull from. Kerf bravely grabbed my lantern and went into the room to investigate while the rest of us remained safe behind the tower shield. Chipping lit a torch. Kerf inspected an urn in the shadow of a dead orc to discover that the urns were covered in old paints of green-skinned humanoids and at filled with coins (at least the one he looked at was). That cleric has some real chutzpah.

We huddled up and developed a through plan for investigating the urn. After a few wrong turns, we settled on Chipping and I cutting off the western wall of orc dead with a barrier of oil to be lit at the drop of a torch. Mike O'Nidd volunteered to tie a rope around an Eastern urn so we could pull it over and dump the contents to see if it was all coins. Kerf stepped into the room to prepare for turning the dead orcs if they reanimated. I waited with Arthur and magic missile at the ready. John Lackwit held the tower shield. Mike tied the knot but was visibly nervous. Who wouldn't be at such a high stakes operation? The urn teetered and shit got bananas before the urn hit the floor.

All seven bodies began to move. The length of the room was a wall of flame. Mike was bitten and paralyzed by what appeared to be orc ghouls. Kerf's divine calls to turn the unholy creatures went unanswered. John Lackwit was also frozen. No one's attacks were hitting. Even poor Arthur's. I pour out a second line of oil to block us from the ghouls as Kerf carries Mike back to the party. It is set a light just as Arthur comes bounding back over.

None of this is stopping these undead jerks and I, swear on my life, thought this was it. Between the unrelenting dead and fires raging everywhere: we were all going to die. But, then, Arthur valiantly leapt to protect me from a ghoul attack and the fiend slipped on some oil in startle right into our fire wall. I fired off a magic missile. The adrenaline from fighting for my life and the focus of practicing my art finally cured my body and mind of the pains of my hang over. With more fire and my party mates finally hitting a groove with their attacks, the next thing I know the ghouls are all dead. Only poor John Lackwit perished in the fight; never grasping the level of danger he was in the whole delve.

We decided to cremate John in the fires. We collected the coins from the urns into our bags along with some scrolls. John's ashes are scooped into an urn. By the time this is all over, Mike has regained movement. Our resources drained, we decide to risk retreat the way we came.

In the hall near the summoning room, we find gore of exploded fireflies covering all the ceiling. It is dripping down and bodies are everywhere. Arthur rolled around in it while Mike covered himself in glowing, arcane markings. This is the last real thing of note we encountered on our egress. The crossbow trap had been replaced. Kerf takes it much to the disappointment of Chipping, who also wanted to sabotage the trap.

I traveled straight away to the Jarrod Memorial Library to present the skull to Barnabus Sleet. The party had to agreed to split the reward of 100 gp equally but in an act of one-time kindness, paid 100 gp each to the party members. I passed up my payment to move up a rank as a librarian.

Today, you can find Jarrod's skull mounted in the memorial wing of the Jarrod Memorial Library waiting to answer inquires on Level 1 spells, the Verdant Vault, and general life knowledge due to a permanent enchantment.

Addendum 1: On my honor, this is a truthful account of events as I recall them. I know that the events deviate from the lyrics of a popular song at the Drooling Thoul. No disparagement of my fellow adventurers is meant. But, seriously. Kerf Merklin in no way singlehandedly defeated the pack of ghouls wielding a crossbow in each hand. For one, Kerf only had one crossbow at the time. Secondly, his holy vows prevent him for using such a weapon in the first place.

Addendum 2: I have heard rumors of Mike O'Nidd blundering into a chance encounter with the Sorcerer of the Blue Mask himself while celebrating our parties success. I was not present at such events because my memories of my previous hangover where too fresh. Plus, Arthur deserved some quality time after being such a good dog. Anyways, it is a real shame it happened. With none of us today being a real ruff type, he really stepped it up to be our party's fighting-myconid. Sad to see such a solid fungi run into a streak of bad weeks one after the other.

*You can check out Jarrod's spell book on the shelf at the Jarrod Memorial Library.

ONGOING ROLL OF THE DEAD

John Lackwit (o-level loser), Szazsraz the Lizard Wizard (Chris Wilson), Iter the Physick (NPC), That Pictish Bastard (NPC), Bufo the Wizard (Makali’i F), Beefo the Gerblin Drinking Buddy (NPC), Willy Whats-His-Name (0-level Loser), Poor Brother Rupert (cleric hireling), unnamed serving boy (0-level hireling), Gwalin Rustbritches (dwarf hireling), Jarrod the Magic-User (Ian Reilly), Jonesy (0-level NPC), Little Liam Linkboy (0-level NPC), Limpy the Naileteer (Jeff Call), Engsal the Enchanter (Alex Joneth), Elfbraham Lincoln (Jeff Call)., Littlens (0-level NPC), Biggens (0-level NPC), Stimpy (0-level NPC), Ren (0-level NPC)

AZURE TOWER GUEST LIST

Brax of the Tallstones (Brad Black), Mike O'Nidd (Matt Barclay), Kilic (Alex Joneth), Barnabus Sleet (Maxim Golubchik), Laurantha the Unbeautiful (Cullen), Big Gnome (Luke Rejec), Szazsraz the Wizard Lizard (Chris Wilson), Rose Royce (Kiel Chenier), Sneakerly Trull (Zak S.), Ilse Raagenkampf (Perttu Vedenoja), Persimion Finch (Galen Fogarty), Magic Meryl (Nick Kuntz), Merrill Meadows (Michael Julius), Chef (Richie Cyngler)

revised Vaults of Vyzor campign intro

Yesterday I got a query on how to join the Vaults of Vyzor campaign.  The answer to that and several other questions can be found in this document:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1-oI100bKb7I5m4Qh4ZoRIDxIE8PW5rlkKz-DzPvXXjk/edit?usp=sharing

quick Vaults of Vyzor update

Cool new campaign logo by Sam Mameli

There's now a player-created Google Plus community called Vyzor Frequent Delvers.  If you're a Vyzor player and haven't got an invite, hit me up on G+ for one.  Between sessions business will be conducted there and some roleplaying as well.  Right now, for example, Laurantha the Unbeautiful is trying to figure out a way to assassinate the Elf King with an invisible ballista, Yohey the Carpenter has ingratiated himself with a magic-user henchman of the Sorcerer of the Blue Mask, Brutal Pete is attempting to organize a dubiously enchanted marching band, and Barnabus Sleet continues to be out of control.

Vaults of Vyzor, session 18

Roster

Szazsraz the Lizard Wizard (Chris Wilson)

Brax of the Tallstones, barbaric fighter (Brad Black)

That Pictish Bastard (NPC merc, he doesn't speak enough common to realize what people are calling him)

Mike O'Nidd, myconid (Matt Barclay)

Kilic the Free (Alex Joneth)

Iter the Physick (NPC quack)

Kilic

Thanks to the magical compulsion afflicting Szazsraz, the party entered the Azure Vaults in hope of assassinating the Elf King.  The communal map-sharing among Vaults of Vyzor participants made it a lot easier to do things like avoid the pit trap in the first chamber (the lid mechanism of which has been repaired) and to find the stairs down.  

Francis and Sidney, the imprisoned beholders, once again pleaded to be released but once again those pleas fell on deaf ears.

On the second level they nearly ran into trouble with the ghost librarian, as Szazsraz had several books overdue from a previous expedition.  Fortunately, the party convinced her that he could pay some of his fines and return them on his next visit.  

Elsewhere on Azure II they found the living quarters of an elf wearing steampunk mad scientist gear.  The rassled this clown to the ground and interrogated him.  He confirmed that the Elf King was often on the third level below the Azure Towers, but not always ("It's a big dungeon, dude.").  He almost directed the party to their doom, until he found out that they were bringing him along.  Then he suddenly remembered they needed to turn left instead of right to get to the ramp down to the third level.  One other thing about this prolonged encounter: the party used a beholder eyeball as a gag when they wanted to shut this dude up.  That's a) gross as heck and b) the kind of out-of-the-blue nonsense that makes running FLAILSNAILS games so great.  No way did that eye originate in my campaign.  It is a crossdimensionally migratory eyeball.

Anyway, this elf dude directed the party to these big brazen double doors.  On them are carved the exploits of a bunch of elves.  One of them is taller than the rest, with the biggest ears, hair like fire, and a crown.  The decorations show this guy performing such mythical exploits as rodeo roping a tyrannosaurus, getting into a fistfight with the Sun, and beating Death at a game of tic-tac-toe.  Szazsraz grabs the two big pulls and prepares to give them a mighty yank, but the doors open at the lightest touch.  

In retrospect, that could have been their warning.  Everyone other door in the dungeon hates the PCs guts.  These doors are happy for you to come in.  The throne room is a titanic chamber, lit by magic torches giving off green faerie fire like effects, with a double throne in front of a massive tapestry, and eight black supporting columns holding up the high vaulted ceiling.  No one seems to be home.

As soon as the party is inside the door slam shut.  The light of magic torches change from cool minty green light to malignant red illumination.  And the eight pillars magically transform into eight monsters.  They're humanoids, about 7 feet tall.  Their skin glistens like the night sky, their claws and fangs shine silvery chrome.  Their eyes smolder like fire.  And they don't seem friendly.

As you can imagine, the party doesn't really want to fight these unknown creatures.  They try opening the door.  Only as they desperately pull do they notice the magic sigils set into this side of the doors.  Someone--I can't recall who--gets the idea that the thrones might protect from the demons? genies? whatever-the-hells-they-are and makes a mad dash for them.  In the meantime, both NPCs are torn to shreds by a series of claw/claw/bite attacks in what would turn out to be my best to-hit rolls of the day.

The guess about the throne is right on the money.  The monsters seem to ignore the first couple of PCs who make it to the two thrones.  And it even works on a third PC sitting in the lap of another.

Unfortunately, that leaves Szazsraz is in a tough spot here.  With all eight monsters bearing down on him, a dash through them to the throne on the opposite side of the room would probably be suicide.  Instead, he opts to cast invisibility and try to sneak out of the way.  But a couple of the baddies are dangerously close to be casting a spell and one of them hits with a claw.

I roll a twenty and we go to my new critical strike table.  This chart is home made, replacing Dave Hargrave's chart, which I've been using for decades.  I'd like to note for the record that is has lots of less-than-lethal results.  Because I am jerk, I like to make the player roll the effect when a monster has critted him.  Poor Chris rolled a decapitation result and Szazsraz's head goes tumbling across the throneroom floor.  Rest in peace, you crazy reptile sorcerer.  Your place in the annals of the Vaults of Vyzor campaign is secure.

With no one left to murder, the monsters go all pillar-of-smoke and return to their places as the columns.  Kilic, Brax, and Mike discover that merely standing up such that they are no longer in contact with the throne seats is sufficient to reactivate them.  A search of the two thrones reveals nothing but a secret stash of black lotus powder.  This plus the goggles and gloves of the elf scientist are the only loot from the whole expedition.

As carefully as possible, they precariously lean over the backs of the thrones and use a spear to try to lift up the tapestry a few feet behind them.  Behind the tapestry is a narrow hole in the wall, an escape tunnel as it where.  They take some time discussing who will be first, second, third into the tunnel, then dice are thrown to see if anyone pratfalls in the mad scramble out of the room.  The rolls go their way and the throneroom guardians do not pursue them down the narrow tunnel.

This cave-like tunnel winds up and down, left and right for quite a long distance.  It emerges into a previously unknown section of the dungeon: the Orange Vault!  

About this point I notice that we only have 11 minutes before I have to end the session and get ready for work and that to end session inside the dungeon could be a Very Bad Thing for their PCs.  They hustle through the level as best they can, encountering some fairly recently dead wizards (something tore them to pieces), a room with four Egyptian style sarcophagi that they hurried through, a pit trap, a garbage room, and one of my favorite dumb dungeon traps: an illusory bottomless pit (if you fail your save you lay on the floor and scream like your falling, forever--or until someone who saves snaps you out of it).  But alas, they don't make it out before the session ends.

With the PCs in the dungeon at the end of regulation time and no safe way out, we go to my little-used Escape the Dungeon rules.  Your base chance of making it out somehow is 50%, modified by plus or minus 10% for the difference between your level and the dungeon level you ended on.  So, for example, a seventh level character on the sixth level has a 60% chance of getting out in one piece.  If you fail this roll, throw a d20 on the chart below.

Triple Secret Random Dungeon Fate Chart of Very Probable Doom (d20)

1. You lucky dog! You manage to somehow escape the dark forces of the dungeon. You return to civilization, naked and half-delirious.
2. Waitaminute, Lefty’s not right handed! Situation appears to be #1, but you’ve been replaced by a shapeshifting badguy.
3. Maimed. You escape but suffer the effects of a random critical hit. Also, 50% of your stuff is gone, randomly determined.
4. Alas, you are no more. If any comrades escape they are able to bring your remains and your stuff back to civilization.
5. Pining for the fjords. If any comrades escape they are able to bring your remains back to civilization, but your stuff is lost.
6. Dead as a doornail. The general location of your body is known to any surviving comrades.
7. Your stuff has become part of a dragon’s hoard and your body part of a dragon’s supper.
8. That is an ex-character. The location of your body is unknown to all.
9. Bought the farm. Your body and possessions irretrievable due to dragon fire, ooze acid, disintegrator beam, etc.
10. Also dead. Your body is irretrievable due to dragon fire, ooze acid, disintegrator beam, etc. but your stuff is still around for some other jerk to nab at a later date.
11. Held for ransom by seedy humans. A member of the Thieves Guild can arrange release for 1,000gp per character level. 1 in 6 chance the money disappears with no prisoner release.
12. Captured by monsters. Escaping comrades know the level you were captured on and the type of monster holding you captive.
13. Captured by monsters. Escaping comrades know the level you were captured on, but not the type of monster involved.
14. Captured by monsters. Escaping comrades know the type of monster involved, but not what level to search.
15. Captured by monsters. Unseen monsters spirit you away to an unknown location.
16. A fate worse than death. Drafted into the ranks of the monsters. Roll d6: 1-2 undead, 3 lycanthrope, 4 charmed, 5 polymorphed, 6 other.
17. You and your stuff are sacrificed to loathsome gods in order to gate in d6 demons that are added to the dungeon key.
18. A gorgon or somesuch has petrified you. Escaping characters know what level to search for your statue.
19. Lost in the dungeon. GM sets your location each session. Re-enter play if the party finds you.
20. Opportunity for betrayal. Pick one other character who got away safe. Roll 1d6, 1-4 he takes your place and has to roll on this chart while you escape, 5-6 you both suffer the fate rolled by your victim.

So here's what happens.  A day later there's a commotion over at the Rosy Ruins.  The workmen clearing the rubble call for the mercenaries kept on hand, as a pair of monsters seem to be coming out of the basement.  Before crossbows are fired, a shout goes out.  "Hold your fire!  Hold your fire!  I think I know these guys!"  It's Yohey the Adventuring Carpenter, who has been working with the rubble clearing crew for reasons of his own.  Under the dust and slime and filth coating them, he recognizes fellow adventurers Brax and Kilic.  They spent most of the past 24 hours on the run from pursuing monsters, horrors not seen on the surface world since the Arduinian age.  They don't know where they've been or how they got from the Orange Vault to the Rosy Vaults.

Brax reports on the death of Szazsraz to his known friends and Barnabus Sleet takes the barbarian out drinking to help him forget his troubles.

A couple of days later, Mike O'Nidd finds his way out via the Azure Towers.  He's bereft of all his equipment and delirious.  He recovers, but the mushroomy adventurer can't quite consciously remember the terrors he experienced, but he can't quite forget either.  He'll be haunted by half-remembered horrors the rest of his days.

map by Brad Black

ONGOING ROLL OF THE DEAD

Szazsraz the Lizard Wizard (Chris Wilson), Iter the Physick (NPC), That Pictish Bastard (NPC), Bufo the Wizard (Makali’i F), Beefo the Gerblin Drinking Buddy (NPC), Willy Whats-His-Name (0-level Loser), Poor Brother Rupert (cleric hireling), unnamed serving boy (0-level hireling), Gwalin Rustbritches (dwarf hireling), Jarrod the Magic-User (Ian Reilly), Jonesy (0-level NPC), Little Liam Linkboy (0-level NPC), Limpy the Naileteer (Jeff Call), Engsal the Enchanter (Alex Joneth), Elfbraham Lincoln (Jeff Call)., Littlens (0-level NPC), Biggens (0-level NPC), Stimpy (0-level NPC), Ren (0-level NPC)

AZURE TOWER GUEST LIST

Brax of the Tallstones (Brad Black), Mike O'Nidd (Matt Barclay), Kilic (Alex Joneth), Barnabus Sleet (Maxim Golubchik), Laurantha the Unbeautiful (Cullen), Big Gnome (Luke Rejec), Szazsraz the Wizard Lizard (Chris Wilson), Rose Royce (Kiel Chenier), Sneakerly Trull (Zak S.), Ilse Raagenkampf (Perttu Vedenoja), Persimion Finch (Galen Fogarty), Magic Meryl (Nick Kuntz), Merrill Meadows (Michael Julius), Chef (Richie Cyngler)

images I am inflicting on my students in ~10 minutes

Today we're talking about different methods of annotation.

Also, free dungeon maybe?

Vyzor custom screen exterior

I don't think I ever showed these babies off.  These inserts were made prior to Szazsraz burning down the Rosy Chambers or the quest for the Hidden Dojo.

Meet the Octopeople

This post goes out to Frank Mitchell.

awesome art by Dennis Loubet

BX Octopeople

Ac: 7 or better

HD: 2*
Mv: 90'(30')
Attacks: up to 3
Dmg: by weapon(s)+3
No.App: 2d6 (2d6)
Save: F2
ML: 8
TT: U+V
Al: Chaotic

These strange cephaloids left the sea eons ago, perhaps as part of the same ancient conflict that forced the kuo-toa underground.  Nowadays their numbers have waned, but they still try to make war on the primitive vertebrates of the surface world.

The advanced musculature of the octopeople race grants all members of it an 18 Str.  Owing to their fast reflexes, a group composed enitrely of octopeople receives +1 on group initiative rolls.

Octopeople fight with 3 primary and one off limb, giving them up to three attacks per round. If an octoperson wields a two-handed weapon or uses a shield, reduce the total number of attacks accordingly.

1 in 6 octopeople will possess the class abilities of a magic-use, thief, cleric, etc. of level 2-7.  Some octopeople warriors wear chain or plate into battle.  No other known race can wear their armor.

random advancement chart: Pandimensional Vagabond

Walkers among worlds gain stranger powers during their uncanny peregrinations.  To qualify to roll below, the character must have participated in adventures in at least three different dimensions/planes/campaign worlds, including their homeworld.  This random advancement chart may be used as a one-off substitution for a single normal advancement roll.  To use it again, you must adventure in a previously unvisited world, level up afterwards, and sacrifice a roll on another chart.

Note that several items on this chart assume that your crazy dimension-hopping PC has some undocumented, noncanonical adventures between your known exploits.

Pandimensional Vagabond

01-03  You gain an extra d8 hit die but you must reroll it every time you visit a new campaign world/plane/dimension.

04-05  You gain +3 saves versus any sort of energy attack that isn't one of the four Greek elements (i.e. fire/heat, air/wind, water/cold, or earth).  Reroll if you get this result again.

06  You've gotten really good at first aid.  If immediately after combat you bind wounds, you can heal d4 damage to a number of people equal to your level.

07-09  You know what surprised you the most about travelling between universes?  A whole lot of Creation really stinks.  No, literally.  You are now +4 saves versus reek attacks like stinking cloud, ghast farts, troglodyte B.O., etc.

10-11  You've been in barroom brawls in all the trashiest universes.  You may make 2 unarmed strikes per round for d3 damage each.  If you roll a 19+ your foes must save versus paralyzation or be knocked out cold.

12  Seeing how big the universe is tends to make a lot of human conflicts seem petty.  You gain +1 Wisdom and your alignment shifts one step closer to true neutrality.  You do not lose any class abilities due to this change.  If you are already true neutral, you gain +2 Wis.

13-15  Smug know-it-all: Once per session after another PC has blown some non-combat roll of some sort you may attempt to do the exact same thing, but with a +2 to the roll.  You may do this with things anyone can do, like listening at doors, but you may also attempt specialty skill you don't even have, like disarming traps.

16-17  You know the basics of piloting/operating some kind of high tech vehicle.  You can bank this knowledge until you need it, then announce with a grin "Sure, I know how to fly a T-16 Skyhopper!" or whatever.

19-20  You don't survive the cosmos by paying retail.  Once per session you may make a purchase at 75% of list price.

21-23  You've knocked back so many Pangalactic Gargle Blasters in filthy dives across the multiverse that you are now +2 to save versus any ingested poison.  Rerolls of this increase the bonus by an additional +2.

24-25  Once per session when you have to make a die roll where only sheer dumb luck is involved (i.e. no modifiers for skill or items or anything else), you may take the better of two rolls.

26  You can see the cracks in the structures of individual universes, allowing you to dimension door once per session.

27-28  Before someone near you does something that will rip a hole in the fabric of reality, you get a Wisdom check to recognize what a Very Bad Idea it is.  Reroll if you get this result again.

29-31  You gain a random mutation.

32-33  You seen and done so much, it's getting harder and harder to surprise you.  Any time you are surprised for one or more actions, you may make a Wisdom check to avoid one segment of surprise.  Reroll if you get this result again.

34  Weird pet: go through some monster book and find a critter (not a person) of hit dice equal to half you level.  It cannot be an ordinary earth animal.  One such creature is now your special buddy.

35-36  You've bummed around with so many wizards and elfs and whatnot that you've picked up an extra bit of magic.  You gain a random MU spell of d6 level as a once per session power, but you have to make an Int roll to cast it successfully.  If you roll a 20 it goes hilariously awry.

37-39  Neanderthals and other cave primitives just immediately realize that you're cool.  +2 reaction rolls from the paleolithic set.  If you roll this again, gain a cave person as a henchweenie.  Reroll the third and subsequent occurrences of this item.

40-41  You learn a new language for a monster species not normally considered to be a sentient speaking race, like Green Slimish or Skeletonese.  You may parlay with members of this species as if they were regular people.

42  There's a certain hill on the southern continent of the Dreamworld where you once got a really good panoramic view of the entirety of Creation.  It was pretty rad.  Since most confusion effects are based on overriding the brain's ability to filter out the complexities of the cosmos, you are now immune to confusion attacks.  Reroll if you get this result again.

43-44  You gain a loyal first level henchweirdo.  They cannot belong to a race or class in any D&D core rulebook.

45-47  You spend a LOT of time talking yourself out of trouble.  +1 Cha.

48-49  Choose a standard class.  It cannot be your own.  You may now use any magic item allowed to that class.

Jenny Everywhere
by Diana Nock

50  You make a lot of strange friends bumming around the cosmos.  You may declare that a hostile or indifferent nonhuman but intelligent monster is, in fact, an old drinking buddy.  Roll (or reroll) reactions at +2 on the dice.  This works once.
51-52  You understand the basics of operating machinery and electronics well beyond the ken of most people from backwater medieval fantasy universes.  There's always at least a 1 in 6 chance you really screw up, though.  Reroll if you get this result again.
53-55  You're really good at jury-rigging repairs with whatever is handy.  Once per session you can fix a broken or malfunctioning device with an Intelligence check, but the DM can require the sacrifice of any d6 items you and your friends happen to have on them.  Reroll if you get this result again.
56-57  Any time you are swallowed whole by a monster they must save versus poison or puke you up.  Reroll if you get this result again.
58  Dogs just like you.  +1 reactions from any canine encountered.
59-60  You pick up some training in another class.  Pick any other random advancement chart (including the ones for other races), you may now use that chart for one advancement roll per level.
61-63  Smooth talker from out of town: +1 reaction rolls to seduce people who have never left their home universe.
64-65  Any time you would take half damage from a successful save, you can take no damage instead BUT you must sacrifice either an item in your hand or something you are wearing.  Reroll if you get this result again.
66  You can sometimes see into extra dimensions.  Once per session you can see invisible, ethereal, astral, etc. stuff for up to 1 turn.  Rerolls add 1 turn to the duration.  Reroll if you get this result again.
67-68  You gain +1 on finding secret doors.  +2 if rolling on a d20.
69-71 Once per session you may pull a useful item out of your pocket/backpack/whatever.  This item is roughly as useful as anything on the standard miscellaneous equipment list, but it can't be any of those objects.  Like if you need rope, you can't select that but you could have a folding ladder in your backpack.
72-73  Once per session if the DM is using a die roll to see who among the party is attacked or affected by something bad, you can simply opt out of the determination.  It's as if you weren't there.
74  You can immediately recognize a wand of wonder or any other magic item with a similar random chart of dumb effects for what it is, just by looking at it.  If you roll this again, you may use such items and make an Int roll to control what happens (i.e. you get to look at the table and pick an effect).  If you roll a 20 then d6 effects happen to you and you alone.  Reroll the third and subsequent rolls on this chart.
75-76  If come across a magic portal that is dangerous in any way (like maybe it zaps for damage when you use it), you get an Int check to recognize that fact before you use it.  Reroll if you get this result again.
77-79  You've picked up a little Venusian Aikido somewhere along the way.  Roll on the Red Dragon Fighting Society chart.
80-81  Demons and other extraplanar entities can see from your aura that you are a walker among worlds and not some local yokel.  You have +1 reaction rolls when parlaying with such beings.  Rerolls increase the modifier.
82  Whenever you find yourself suddenly dropped into a hostile environment (under water, in a volcano, on the moon, in the heart of a black hole, etc.) you may make a save versus magic to act normally, sustaining no environmental penalties or damage, for d6 turns.  You may do this exactly once.
83-84  The next time you are subject to a curse effect it somehow skips you and is inflicted on another random party member.  This works just once.
85-86  Wanderers such a hobos, nomads, the Galactica refugee fleet, etc., recognize you as one of their own.  They will hide you from the police, smuggle you and your friends across the border, etc, but you may end up having to marry someone to get their help.
87-89  If you have any missing or mangled body parts, you gain a cybernetic replacement at some chopshop down the street from Callahan's Crosstime Saloon.  If you are not missing an eye or a hand or whatever, roll d10 on this chart to find your new mechanical enhancements:

1. Xray Eye - Clairvoyance 1/session
2. Lazor Eyes - Shoot beam attacks up to 120' for 2d6 damage, 10 shots then recharges over 24 hours
3. Flame Arm - Integral flamethrower 3d6 save for half, cone 30' long, 20' wide, once per session
4. Robo Arms - +2 Str
5. Murder Hand - One of your hands is now a vicious melee weapon of some sort, doing d8 damage.  Choose randomly which hand it is.  If it's your sword arm, you're +2 to hit.  If it's your off arm you get a second attack per round at -2.
6. Robo Legs - +20' per round running speed
7. Dermal Plating - +1 AC
8. Filter Lungs - +4 saves versus poison gas
9. CyberLiver - +2 saves versus ingested poisons
10. ComputoBrain - +2 Int, -2 Cha, +2 saves versus charms

Reroll if the same enhancement comes up a second time.

90-91  You are +2 to-hit with your favorite weapon.  If you lose that specific weapon, it will take you a whole session with no bonus to adjust to a new one.  You cannot simply replace the weapon with a better one, the old one must be lost or destroyed.  If this is rolled again, you gain +2 damage as well.  A third roll grants you an extra attack each round with the specific weapon.  Reroll subsequent rolls of this item.
92  If you are ever teleported stealthily, like in a labyrinth to mess up mapping, you instantly know you've been ported.
93-94  You gain +1 to a random stat.
95-97  If you are a spellcaster, you gain a new spell slot one level higher than you should.  If you are not a caster, you gain random 1st level spell from your choice of the cleric or MU charts s a daily power.
98-99  Your body and equipment now vibrate at a strange frequency.  Any attacks by you count as silver or cold iron.  If you roll this again, they count as +1 magic.  Reroll subsequent rolls of this item.
100  The next time you die you leave a pile of empty clothes, like Ben Kenobi.  You reappear elsewhere in the cosmos, bereft of equipment but alive.  This works only once.  You may never return to the world where you died without immediately dropping dead. 

not available anywhere

My good buddy Pat has been working on his screenprinting skills and made this cool shirt for me!  Facefist Hatemachine is one of the giants you can encounter in the pages of Broodmother Skyfortress.  It is also name of my metal band (which does not exist).  The illo is by Ian Maclean, who did super work on the book.

Vaults of Vyzor, session 17

Roster

Barnabus Sleet, muscle wizard (Maxim Golubchik)

Dale Bidwell, fighter/valet (NPC)

Emma Bright-Eyes, likely lass (NPC)

Yohey the Carpenter, LotFP specialist (Anthony Fournier)

Brutal Pete, dwarf (Aleksandr Revzin)

Adam o' the Dungheap, mercenary (NPC)

Diagast Ratnight, cleric (Jay Murphy)

One day before the most recent expedition to the Vaults a known Muscle Wizard, Library Founder, and possible Wizard War Provoker by the name of Barnabus Sleet throws a massive block party where he sacrifices and then barbecues dozens of goats.  Pretty much all the ne'er-do-wells in the vicinity of Castle Vyzor attend.  Maybe goat's not on everyone's personal list of top 10 barbecue meats, but, hey, a free meal is a free meal.

BBQ enthusiast Ed McBride, pictured above, used to play
a lot of D&D.  He sold his custom dragon BBQ rig for 65 large.

Turns out the sacrifice part of the goat-b-q was used to cast the infamous Lamentations of the Flame Princess spell Summon.  This allowed Sleet to call up a random demon. Ramanan Sivaranjan's excellent online LotFP demon generator was consulted, as was my own goetic demon name generator.  And out of the fire appeared a pile of vaguely anthropomorphic seaweed with the trait "reflective genitalia."  That's LotFP for you, I guess.  A further die roll determined that the genitalia in question were male, and the creature was dubbed Gachos Disco-Wang.

A pair of local clerics protested the summoning.

The next day the now eight strong party entered the Citrine Vaults.  The first real stop was the orc's armory.  No guards happened to be about, so they just helped themselves to some free weapons and armor.

They found the orcish temple (previous looted at least twice!) under construction, a gang of goblin working stiffs building a cage-type reliquary in the west end of the chamber.  The party posed as unholy building inspectors (having a demon along helped this out tremendously).  Yohey the Carpenter inspected the reliquary, hoping to install a secret catch to open it later when it is presumably full of valuable artifacts.  Turns out the goblins were already working on that themselves!

In the rec room they found a bunch of orcs shooting pool and one old orc tending bar.  Gachos the demon ordered drinks and acted like he belonged there and the orcs believed it.  Once again the party bypassed an unnecessary fight.

Following that near adventure, the party visited the pantry via a pair of secret doors.  Turns out the poisoning attempted last session had only killed the boss orc's food taster and now a rigorous system of food inspection has been instigated.  Well, rigorous for orcs any way.  They make a gnome taste all incoming supplies.

Speaking of gnomes, they found a pair of badly beaten gnome women working the orcish kitchens.  They refused to escape with the party, as they feared repercussions against their families.  It turns out that the gnomes of Verdant II recently lost a pitched battle to the orcs and now the badguys are in charge of the areas of the dungeon previously held by the gnomes.  All the gnomes are dead or enslaved.  Barnabus swore to set this matter aright in a future expedition.

The Hexahedron of Erno.  Mostly harmless. 

Taking the stairs down to Citrine II, the party surprised and slaughtered the morloi prison guards, again cosplaying as Jokers and Harleys for reasons that remain unexplained.  The morloi were easy to sneak up on, as they were all fascinated by this strange object one of them had in her possession.

After killer the jailers of the morloi prison, the party freed another prisoner.  He was there last session and the previous party never checked his cell.  The prisoner was a dwarf named Thombur.  He was being tortured by the morloi by having the world's slowest Bag of Devouring placed on his head.  That's why he's called Thombur No-face now.  Dude is a little unhinged.

Emma Bright-Eyes tore a strip of cloth
from her dress to bandage the poor bastard.

The party proceeded down to the third level of the Citrine Vault.  There they captured an old morloi Bishop of Chaos, who they hoped to use as a hostage to get through the temple.  That didn't go to plan, as the high priestess never like him that much.  In the ensuing fight a bunch of morloi cultist were slain.  The high priestess almost got away, but a timely hold person from Diagast spelled her doom.  Barnabus ended up grappling with a morloi mutant with tentacles where his arms should be.  Brutal Pete took the worst hit of the night, a critical hit to the groin with a mace, sending him to the floor in agony.  But he and his wedding tackle survived.  Thombur also went down at one point, but he was revived later.  The old bishop slunk away during the fight.

After looting the bejesus out of the temple of the morloi, the party arrived at their goal: the Red Dragon Fighting Society dojo.  A sneaky suggestion spell from Barnabus allowed the party to negotiate a discount for their membership fee in the society and a bunch of people learned kung-fu, even some of the NPCs.  Emma Bright-eyes, that lovable young lass, advanced to first level in the Muscle Wizard class AND learned some kick-ass martial arts moves!

The party returned to the surface and several people got sloppy drunk while carousing.  While thus intoxicated Barnabus returned to the house of the Ink Witches and professed his love for Gretcha the Half-Orc.  His heart was broken when she revealed that she was in a committed relationship with her two wives, the other witches.

The next day a hung-over-as-hell Barnabus remembers his deal with the Sorcerer of the Blue Mask (details here) and rushes over to the Azure Tower to receive his geas to slay King Elexus.

Thus ends Phase I of the Vaults of Vyzor campaign.  Phase II is Total War Against the Unseelie Court, as Barnabus, Rose Royce, Szazsraz the Lizard Wizard, and Laurantha the Unbeautiful finds themselves the inadvertent lieutenants of the Sorcerer of the Blue Mask.  Most sessions will focus on one of the four leading a party into the Azure Vaults to destroy that jerk the Elf King.

ONGOING ROLL OF THE DEAD

Bufo the Wizard (Makali’i F), Beefo the Gerblin Drinking Buddy (NPC), Willy Whats-His-Name (0-level Loser), Poor Brother Rupert (cleric hireling), unnamed serving boy (0-level hireling), Gwalin Rustbritches (dwarf hireling), Jarrod the Magic-User (Ian Reilly), Jonesy (0-level NPC), Little Liam Linkboy (0-level NPC), Limpy the Naileteer (Jeff Call), Engsal the Enchanter (Alex Joneth), Elfbraham Lincoln (Jeff Call)., Littlens (0-level NPC), Biggens (0-level NPC), Stimpy (0-level NPC), Ren (0-level NPC)

AZURE TOWER GUEST LIST

Barnabus Sleet (Maxim Golubchik), Laurantha the Unbeautiful (Cullen), Big Gnome (Luke Rejec), Szazsraz the Wizard Lizard (Chris Wilson), Rose Royce (Kiel Chenier), Sneakerly Trull (Zak S.), Ilse Raagenkampf (Perttu Vedenoja), Persimion Finch (Galen Fogarty), Magic Meryl (Nick Kuntz), Merrill Meadows (Michael Julius), Chef (Richie Cyngler)

a Vaults of Vyzor interlude

This post will only make sense if you read this G+ post first.

Throne Room by DeviantArtist znodden

Barnabus Sleet, Rose Royce, Szazsraz the Lizard Wizard, and Laurantha the Unbeautiful have been summoned to the Azure Tower.  They are hurried into the throne room of the Sorcerer of the Blue Mask.  This chamber is too large to be properly inside the tower, but that sort of trickery is perhaps less surprising than the mere fact that you find yourself in the awful presence of the Sorcerer himself.  He does not seem to be happy.

Sorcerer: Fools!  Your precious little library threatens to upset the delicate balance of power!  Already, the doddering dullards of the Invisible College of Thaumaturgy have threatened sanctions!  Envoys from the Magisters of the Tholite Quintessence arrive shortly, undoubtedly to do the same.  If those two factions align...

A crow alights on a windowsill, cawing to all that will listen.  Only then do you notice the two moons in the night sky outside.  You recognize neither of them.

The Sorcerer's jester, a half-orc with teeth of brass and a face as ugly as a Friday quitting time traffic jam, retrieves a small slip of paper tied to the crow's leg.  He hands it to his master, who glances at it and sighs.

Sorcerer:  And here it is.  The inevitable offer of aid and friendship from the Crimson King of Chaos.  If the Invisible College and the Tholite Quintessence join forces against me, I'll have little choice but to throw in my lot with that cosmic abomination.  But the worst of it is that you vagabonds and miscreants have endangered decades of planning and years of work.  I can't continue to contain the threat of the Unseelie King if half the wizards in the multiverse think I'm trying to undermine their precious spell monopolies!  And you!  (He gestures at the Lizard Wizard.)  Don't you think you've done enough damage already?  If you all weren't such bumblers, I'd suspect you were agents of my enemies!

A moment of silence falls upon the hall.

Sorcerer: Well, what have you to say for yourselves?!?

Maxim, Kiel, Chris, Cullen, please feel free to reply in character on the G+ thread.  To note that you are speaking in character, please flag it as though it was the script of a play, as I have done above for the Sorcerer's lines.