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| These local Cornish saints are weird, man. |
Later the party fought a giant tick that tore Gilgamesh a new poop chute where his throat should be. The wound was a fatal Arduin Grimoire critical hit, but somehow he survived and somehow the intervention of Saint Serpentor was involved. I was there. I was the DM. And I still don't understand exactly what happened.
Sometimes what happens in the dungeon stays in the dungeon, I guess. Either way Philip the Bloody now owns a phaser, Gilgamesh sports a terrible scar on his neck, and my campaign has a new saint.
Here's a little game for the comments section. Suggest an apocryphal miracle of St. Serpentor. I'll go first.
Saint Serpentor drove the snakes into Ireland.
St. Serpentor decided to best a local pagan king, but by turning his snake into a staff. No one is sure how that helped, but the king seemed confused and in the meantime St.Serpentor declared victory and that all were now Christians, with free apples for all!.
ReplyDeleteWhat king could back down from a pledge of free apples to his subjects?
This is a bit convaluted, but fun. The Greek word for serpent is φίδι, which sounds like FiDi, or financial district. Thus, St. Serpentor could be the patron saint of merchants and money changers. Pay homage, fulfill your contractual obligations and don't charge extra or you may find your ill-gotten gains turned into fool's gold.
ReplyDeleteSt. Serpentor invented "beer goggles."
ReplyDeleteSt. Serpentor's mighty snake puppet hand fought and bested Argyal, the Lord of Sock Puppets, converting all the sock puppets of Northumbria to Cristendom. Yothrick of Stain, upon who's arm the terrible Argyal resided, became a devout Unitarian.
ReplyDeleteSaint Serpentor was captured by his enemies, stripped naked in the city square, but before the beating could commence, hundreds of snakes wound themselves about him, protecting both his dignity and his flesh.
ReplyDeleteSaint Serpentor drove everyone named Joe out of Ireland.
ReplyDeleteWhen the Devil-Rat of Cornwall ran riot through the land, devouring whole fields of grain, only St. Serpentor dared to approach it. Despite St. Serpentor's entreaties, The Devil-rat refused to submit to the will of Christ. St. Serpentor then unhinged his jaw and ate it in one gulp.
ReplyDeleteSt. Serpentor has an invisible psychic fang that can implant the venom of [virtue, fear, whatever you want] directly into his victim's soul.
ReplyDeleteThe sign of his secret order looks, to the mundane eye, exactly like a breakdancing armwave.
ReplyDeleteSaint Serpentor once built some enormous black cubes in the three most important parts of the world, and they were going to block out the sun or something. But lo, Saint Serpentor had mercy on his people, and placed an easily-noticed flaw in his master plan.
ReplyDeleteYears ago, St. Serpentor was hunted and captured on English soil by an elite force of Frenchmen. He was hauled off in chains to be brought before the French throne. St. Serpentor had previously vowed to never again set foot on French soil, and was mightily distressed as the ship crossed the channel. Unable to break free of the chains, and unwilling to break the vow he'd made to Eve of Ireland; St. Serpentor shed his skin and quickly swam to heaven.
ReplyDeleteTurns out that the whole incident was caused by a misunderstanding. You see, the French king had heard rumors that his beloved daughters had "kissed Serpentor's snake". Church officials now contend that St. Serpentor only taught the young girls scriptures and psalms, afterward they kissed his serpent shaped ring as a sign of respect. Some off-color jokes and a drinking song tell a rather different version of events.
St. Serpentor summoned snakes from the ground at the Battle of Hehil in 721. They scared the few horses the Anglo-Saxons had, unseating their leaders and messengers and helping the Britons of Dumnonia to win the day.
ReplyDeleteSt. Serpentor can you make not ashamed of your nakedness again, "ye shall not be as gods, knowing good and evil".
ReplyDeleteSt Serpentor invented the sticks to snakes spell, still a favorite amongst the more orthodox of Cornish clergy.
ReplyDeleteSaint Serpentor taught Chuck Norris everything he knows - but not everything Saint Serpentor knows.
ReplyDeleteVerily, when threatened by the furious indignation of the pagans at his words, St. Serpentor did cause the chariot upon which he rode to take to the air at his cried words, "This I command!"
ReplyDeleteSt. Serpentor once drove the Dragon of Dungdagel to flee in fear to a lair beneath the caves through the clever use of puppetry.
ReplyDeleteLegend has it that somewhere in the counties of wessex his sainted Holy Hand Puppet may still be found.
St. Serpentor created the giant's causeway. He'd only agreed to do some crazy paving for Fionn Mac Cool but after a few barrels of Irish stout things got way out of hand.
ReplyDeleteSt Serpentor fed five pythons and two vipers with a crowd of five thousand people.
ReplyDeleteSt. Serpentor is the only saint that can understand a banshee's wail.
ReplyDeleteSt Serpentor saved the Archduke of Wessex from a fatal neck wound through the application of not leaches, but snakes.
ReplyDeleteWhile often famous for the staff-to-snake transmutation, St. Serpentor had indeed developed a means for making any long, stiff object into a serpentine likeness. Verily, the parentage of the king's first son came into question when a chamber maid confessed to having heard the Queen moan "IT HAS A HOOD!" on a night nine months prior to the prince's birth.
ReplyDeleteSt. Serpentor converted the serpent men to the glories of Christ.
ReplyDeleteInfidels! All know Saint Serpentor once infiltrated the mind of The Enemy's Sargent "Bob Remus" Slaughter and convinced him of the virtues of EVIL and join the Sheik of Iron!
ReplyDelete